Never Meant To Be
by christina2439
Summary: When Edward, left my heart was permanently damaged, a giant hole had been ripped open that never healed. Even two years later I still felt the pain of his absence. Not even the love of my best friend and husband could make me forget. Rated M for Language and content. (Jacob, Bella) with eventual (Edward, Bella)
1. Chapter 1 - Loving what's good for me

After several months of just going through the motions of living life for Charlie's sake I decided… Or rather, Charlie decided, to force me out of my self imposed exile. He dragged me with him to Billy's house on the reservation early one Saturday morning. I had tried to argue that I already had plans with Jessica but I'd used that excuse the last two times he'd tried dragging me to Billy's and he knew I was lying. He practically picked me up and carried me out to his cruiser. I refused to talk during the journey and I kept my arms crossed in front of my chest in protest.

When we arrived at Billy's house Charlie ignored me as he helped Billy load up his fishing gear into the trunk of the cruiser. I stood by Jacob while we watched our father's joke around like two teenage boys instead of middle aged men.

Thankfully, Jacob took pity on me and rescued me from having to accompany my father and Billy on their fishing trip. I followed him into the garage and sat watching as he worked on his car. Our conversation flowed easily and for the first time in a long time I felt my pain ease, I even found myself laughing softly a couple of times at something Jake did or said. When our father's returned I was shocked that so much time had passed.

From that weekend on I spent all my free time with Jacob on the reservation. Charlie was ecstatic about the change in my routine. I still had my moments where I hurt so bad I couldn't breathe or sit up straight. I would wrap my arms around my chest as tightly as possible and try to hold myself together. At times it was so bad I would have panic attacks. I had a couple of these moments in Jacob's garage. He sat down beside me, grabbed my hand and talked to me softly until the panic attack stopped. He quickly learned that any mention of Edward or the Cullen's was what triggered my change in mood and he avoided mentioning them as much as he could.

When I was alone my mind would inevitably wander to Edward and with no Jacob to distract me the panic attacks would cause me to curl up in a ball on my bed. These moments became fewer and farther between the more time I spent with Jacob. I also suffered from terrifying nightmares filled with overwhelming darkness. They were always the same, I was all alone falling down a dark pit with no end in sight. I couldn't see or hear anything, I just fell through the blackness never hitting the end of the pit.

Thankfully, just like my panic attacks the nightmares became less frequent. Charlie was most grateful for this, I think. Every time I had the nightmare I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and Charlie would run in to my bedroom to make sure nobody was trying to murder me. I felt guilty for causing him to lose sleep but I had no control over when or how badly they would affect me.

After a particularly bad night Charlie sat on the edge of my bed trying to comfort me.

"We haven't had a night this bad in a while. They seem to be better when you spend the day with Jacob?"

I nodded.

"Bella… Sometimes, we have to learn to love what's good for us."

"Jake has been a good friend to me. But I don't know if I'm good for him."

"I have watched you two together and I think you are good for him. I know you're still hurting but it will pass with time. It wasn't easy for me when your mom left. But eventually I was able to get up in the morning and look forward to what the day would bring."

"I'll think about it dad."

"Okay, I will leave you to try to get back to sleep. I love you, Bells.

Jacob was good for me I knew that, he made me feel better when we were together. But could I let myself love anyone besides Edward? And even if I could would it be enough? Was there enough left in me to love Jacob the way he deserved to be loved?


	2. Chapter 2 - Moving on

Edward had been gone seven months when Jacob and I kissed for the first time. We were in his garage sitting on the floor in front of his car sharing a soda. I kept thinking about what Charlie had said about learning to love what's good for me. Jacob kept catching me staring at him. Finally, he learned towards me and softly pressed his lips to mine. When I started to kiss him back Jacob put his all into it. When I felt the tip of his tongue touch mine my body started to tingle and I moved to sit on his lap. His arms wrapped around me holding me close to him as my hands played with his dark hair.

It was different from how Edward and I had kissed. Different but still wonderful, passionate and it woke a small undamaged part of my heart that still beat inside my chest. Even though I was starting to see Jacob in a new light, I still worried that I couldn't love him enough. I gently pulled my lips from his.

"Jake, can we talk for a minute?"

He looked down at me and something in my expression made him frown. I moved off his lap and sat down facing him.

"Sure Bells"

"You know you have been such a great friend to me. I know I am not always easy to be around. Especially when I first started coming to La Push. I… My heart isn't ever going to heal completely. There will always be that part of me that I cannot let anyone into, not even you."

"Bella, coming here has made you feel better though, right?"

"It has. If it weren't for you and the time I spend out here I am not exactly sure what kind of shape I would be in. You have been the most wonderful friend to me and I want to be fair to you."

"Bella you know I care about you."

"Yes, I know you do, but I worry that I am not being fair to you. I am worried that I can't be all that you deserve. When Ed… When he…. When they left, my heart ripped open and there is a hole that still physically aches. Not as bad as it used to but it is still there. I am not sure if that part of me will ever fully heal." I stared down at my hands.

Jacob gently placed his hands on either side of my face and tilted it up until I was forced to look him in the eyes. "Bella, you are enough for me. What you give me now is enough and will always be enough. I know what you went through and I know what he meant to you. I will never do that to you."

I felt the tears stinging my eyes. I smiled shyly at him. "Jake you deserve someone who can give you her whole heart. Someone who doesn't flinch when she hears another man's name. You deserve better than what I can offer. You are good for me, but I don't think I am good for you."

"Bella, you do love me. You haven't said it out loud but I can see it in your eyes when we are together. You love me more than you have even admitted to yourself. With time your heart will heal even more and I plan to be the reason for that. Now stop feeling guilty. I am not some dumb clueless kid. I love you just the way you are Isabella Marie Swan."

He reached up and gently pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I have a question for you."

I swallowed nervously. "Okay, what is it?"

"Does this mean we are officially girlfriend and boyfriend?" All my nervousness faded away as I watched his face light up in the cocky grin I loved so much.

I laughed as I nodded. "Yeah, I would like that."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his side. I lifted my face up to his and he leaned down softly placing his lips on mine. This started an hour long make out session which frustratingly came to an abrupt end when Embry and Quil showed up.

I had to go home and start Charlie's dinner any ways. So I reluctantly said goodbye to Jacob. He walked me to my truck and kissed me so passionately I had to hold on to my truck until I could catch my breathe.

When I got home my lips were still tingling and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss for the rest of the night. I fell asleep smiling that night, maybe I really could move on with Jacob.


	3. Chapter 3 - Giving in

By the time my high school graduation arrived my relationship with Jacob had moved from the beginning stages to something deeper. He came with me to group outings with my friends from school and I was a permanent fixture in his garage on the weekends. I even let him take me to my last prom. Neither one of us were good with dancing so we spent most of our time watching all the other couples and laughing at some of the crazier dance moves. Jacob seemed to take pleasure from Mike Newton's jealousy and any time Mike returned to our group table Jacob became extremely affectionate with me.

After a couple of these moments Mike turned towards Jacob and I with an unfriendly grin. "So Bella, have you heard anything from the Cullens recently? I know you used to be extremely close with Edward. We all thought you two would end up married with a dozen kids with the way you two were so consumed with each other."

I felt Jacob tense beside me as I fought against the throbbing of my heart and the beginning signs of a panic attack started.

"Hey, they are playing our song Bella. Dance with me?" Jacob stood without waiting for an answer and led me to the far corner of the dance floor. His arm circled my waist and he held my hand to his chest just over his heart. "I'm here Bella. It's okay. Concentrate on the beating of my heart."

I kept my eyes on his as I felt his heartbeat against the palm of my hand. I matched my breathing to the gentle rhythm. The panic attack faded and I laid my head against his chest as we swayed to the music. "I'm sorry Jake."

"You shouldn't be the one to apologize Bella. That Newton guy needs to be taught a lesson."

"Would you be mad if I said I was ready to leave?"

"No, I'm ready if you are."

I smiled at him. "Let's go. I need some alone time with my boyfriend."

I waved at Angela as Jacob and I headed towards the exit. We drove to a secluded part of the woods just outside of La Push. He parked the car and pulled a blanket out of the backseat. I helped him spread it on the ground beside the car. I kicked off my shoes and sat down on the blanket. Jacob removed his jacket and tie before joining me. He laid down and pulled me down with him. His lips trailed kisses down my neck as his hands wandered over my body. His lips finally crashed into mine and I eagerly opened my mouth as his tongue sought mine. Jacob moved so his body was on top of mine. I felt his hands pushing my dress up over my hips. His fingers slid under my lace panties. He moaned against my mouth when he felt the slickness of my arousal.

His mouth moved down my jaw and neck. He used his free hand to undo the top of my dress and move my bra. I gasped with his mouth closed over my hardened nipple. "Jake.." I started to protest but he slide two of his fingers into my wet depths and his name came out as a moan. His tongue flicked my nipple as his fingers moved inside me. His thumb started running circles over my overly sensitive nub. My hips bucked underneath him and my hands fisted his hair. I whimpered when he inserted a third finger.

"Bella" Jacob looked down at me. I saw the question mixed with a burning desire in his eyes.

"I don't have any protection Jake."

He nodded. I knew he was disappointed but I wasn't ready to give myself to him so completely. I was grateful that he had come unprepared. I don't know what I would have done if he had been. I was running out of excuses that wouldn't cause him pain. He let me up so I could adjust my dress and then he drove me home in silence.

I managed to avoid being totally alone with Jacob in the weeks leading up to my graduation. I wanted to avoid any opportunity he may have used to pick up where we stopped the night of prom.

As I walked the stage, in the school's gym, to collect my diploma I watched as my dad and Jacob stood clapping and whistling loudly. I felt my cheeks burn and knew my face was probably bright red from embarrassment.

Just as I reached the end of the stage I saw something out of the corner of my eye that chilled me immediately. I could have sworn I had seen Edward standing by the back door of the gym. I turned my head to look directly in the direction of the door but by the time I did all I saw was the gym door as it closed. I looked around to see if anyone else had seen him but nobody seemed to have spotted him.

I tried to keep my composure but my knees were shaking and I felt the hole in my heart throbbing painfully. It took all my willpower to keep from wrapping my arms around my chest and collapsing into a heap on the gym floor. I wondered if I was starting to lose my mind. Why would Edward have been there watching me graduate?

My heart raced just from the possibility that he may have been that close to me again, so close I could have touched him. I forced myself to pay attention to the rest of the ceremony as I tried to calm myself. I needed to get control before I had to face Charlie and Jacob.

I managed to keep myself together and was semi back to normal, normal for me that is, by the end of my graduation. There was no time for me to think after the principal congratulated us and closed the ceremony because it was time for all the graduates to find their families for pictures and congratulatory hugs. I didn't notice Jacob beside me until I felt his familiar warm arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground. I couldn't help but laugh at his exuberance. Charlie cleared his throat and pretended to be annoyed but I could see the twinkle in his eye at the obvious affection between Jacob and I. He set me down and Charlie gave me an awkward hug.

Charlie took me out to eat and then we went home so that I could change clothes.

That night Jessica hosted a graduation party at her parent's house. Thankfully her parents decided to spend the weekend in Seattle. They left just after the graduation ceremony with a promise from Jessica that she wouldn't let the party get too out of hand. I still felt like I was being watched and it was putting me on edge. As soon as Jacob and I arrived Jessica thrust a red solo cup filled with some sort of punch in to my hand. I smiled at her gratefully and drank deeply. It tasted like it was more alcohol than actual punch.

"Wow! Umm what is this?"

"Too strong? I wasn't sure what the best alcohol to punch ratio to use."

"It's very strong. Maybe not so much alcohol next time." When I saw her look disappointed I quickly added. "It tastes great though. I am not a big drinker so I maybe this is exactly right" Jessica laughed and seemed satisfied with my answer.

I was already feeling less jittery. I quickly finished the rest of the punch and refilled my cup. Jacob was on his third by the time I got back with my second. I finished my drink while Jacob talked with one of my classmates. I still had the feeling I was being watched but it was muted. My body felt warm and relaxed. Jacob dragged me onto the make shift dance floor and wrapped his arms around me and holding me against his chest as we swayed to the slow song playing on the sound system. When the song ended Jacob pulled away slightly and I looked up at him and smiled lazily. I was completely under the influence of Jessica's potent punch. He brought his lips to mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I nibbled his lower lip, I felt his chest rumble against mine.

He grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. He pulled me into one of the spare bedrooms and closed the door behind him. Then his lips were on mine again and his hands were buried in my hair. Something in my brain was warning me to stop before this went too far but I was feeling too happy from the punch and my inner voice was easy to ignore. My body wanted this even though my brain was trying to warn me. Then Jacob's teeth nibbled at my neck and his hands were under my shirt. I let my body take over as I lost myself in desire. Our clothes quickly fell in a pile on the floor and Jacob easily lifted me onto the bed.

"You are so beautiful Bella." I felt Jacob's need for me pressing at my entrance and I involuntarily tensed. I was still a virgin and even drunk I knew this would be painful. Through his drunken haze Jacob seemed to realize my fear and slowly slid into me giving me time to adjust and for the initial pain to fade. Jacob felt my body relax and took that as his sign to continue. He wrapped one of my legs around his waist as he pushed himself in deeper. I cried out as I felt myself stretch to accommodate him. He moved slowly at first and as I started to respond more his pace quickened.

Thankfully, the music downstairs was loud and drowned out the sounds we were making.

It didn't take long for Jacob reach his climax. I felt his impossibly hard staff start to throb against my walls and then I felt a warmth fill me as he emptied his seed in my depths. He thrust one final time with a loud grunt and collapsed on top of me.

My body felt like jello and I laid on the bed staring at the ceiling fighting the tears I felt threatening to slide down my cheeks as my mind began to acknowledge what I had just done. Jacob rolled off of me and immediately started snoring.

I felt my senses coming back to me and I knew I needed to get out of there before I had a complete melt down. I quietly slipped out of the bed and got dressed. I snuck downstairs and found Angela. I asked her to take me home. I used the excuse that Charlie had given me a midnight curfew and that was only 10 minutes away. She asked about Jacob and I told her he was too drunk to drive and I had been drinking so I couldn't drive myself.

She laughed and borrowed her boyfriend Ben's car keys. Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the driveway when Angela dropped me off at home. I assumed he had been called into work or maybe he had left on one of his weekend long fishing trips already. I let myself into the house, waved at Angela as she pulled out of the driveway before locking the door behind me. There was a note on the table. Charlie had left for a fishing trip and wouldn't be back until Sunday afternoon.

I crawled upstairs and took a shower before climbing into my bed. I pulled my journal out of it's hiding place and started writing. The therapist Charlie had forced me to go to during my bad period had suggested I start a journal. At the time I didn't think it would really do any good but I found it did help some.

I managed to write a couple of paragraphs before all the emotions I had been trying to hold at bay came crashing down on me. I hugged my journal to my chest as I laid in my bed sobbing until I fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4 - Seeing the consequences

**Edward Point Of View**

I had hoped that Bella wouldn't see me at her graduation. When she started to turn her head in my direction as if some sixth sense alerted her to my presence I sped out of the gym. This was the first time I had come to check on her since I left. I needed to see her graduate to see that she had a full happy life. She looked thinner than I remembered, her hair was a longer, my fingers ached to run through her soft thick hair. I briefly wondered if it still smelled like strawberries. I watched her face when she smiled at Charlie. Her smile was laced with a sadness that I could tell she was trying to keep hidden. Her eyes gave everything away. Her lips smiled but there was a shadow that briefly fell over her eyes. She did a good job of pushing it away before most people would notice but thanks to my keen vampire senses and the fact that I had known her so well I caught it.

This is also how I could see the subtle shift in her posture when she felt my presence in the gym. Her hands started to shake slightly and her eyes became almost frantic as her head started to turn towards the exit door where I was standing. Before her eyes had reached me I was out of the door and hidden in the woods beside the school.

I should have left after that but I couldn't. I felt the undeniable pull towards her. I followed Charlie's cruiser when he took her out for a celebratory dinner and again when he drove them home. I listened to her move about her room changing clothes and then I followed her and a very tall boy as they headed to Jessica's for a party. I hid from her view more carefully but I could see her looking around occasionally as if she felt me watching her. I could smell the alcohol in her drinks from my hiding place. The more she drank the less she seemed to feel me watching. I watched in amazement as she allowed the boy to take her to the dance floor. She had always hated dancing. I felt a pang of jealousy when I watched the boy easily wrap his arms around her and she rested her head against his chest.

When the song ended I saw her smile at the boy who leaned down for a kiss. Bella let him kiss her but I could see her body tense slightly, she was holding back. She had always been so free and willing to kiss me. With this boy she was more reserved. She was doing a good job of hiding that but I could hear and see things others couldn't. Her heart wasn't racing wildly in her chest the way it did when we kissed. When the boy wasn't looking the shadow briefly fell over her eyes.

When the boy had led her upstairs every muscle in my body tensed and I had to hold on to the tree to keep from going in and ripping him apart. When she came back down not long afterwards I was shocked at the change in her. Her eyes had so much pain hidden in the depths and the way she had her arms wrapped tightly around her chest made me wonder if she had been physically hurt.

I followed Angela as she drove Bella home and I listened until I heard her cries slow as she fell asleep. I climbed in her window and was enveloped in her familiar scent. It nearly knocked me over. I had craved her scent since the moment I left her in the woods. My heart had ached to be this close to her again. I watched her sleep for a few minutes before I noticed the journal in her hands. I slowly pulled it from her grasp and started to put it on her bedside table. I knew I shouldn't invade her privacy but I was curious about her behavior tonight and even more I wanted to find out how her life had been since I left. I quietly sat down in the chair I used to always sit in while I watched her sleep.

I flipped the journal open to the first entry and started reading. Every entry started the same. "Dear Alice…" I took a deep unnecessary breath. The guilt was overwhelming, not only had I hurt her by leaving but I took away her best friend along with the rest of my family. I hadn't really considered how much more this would have upset her on top of breaking up with her the way I did. But it was for her, her safety, to give her a chance of a normal life, at least that was what I kept telling myself.

The first few letters painfully tore at my heart. The pain that filled each letter was palpable. I had thought she would forget about me quickly and that I would be the only one to suffer the intense pain for years. But she was suffering just as much as I was. Then her letters started talking about Jacob more and more. This must be the tall boy I had seen her with all day. She talked about loving what was good for her, worrying she would never be able to love anyone because of the hole in her heart. She explained the reason why she wraps her arms around her chest so tightly. I understood all too well the feelings she was describing, feelings that made her feel as if her body was going to break into a million little pieces if she didn't hold herself together. I had spent weeks at a time hidden in abandoned houses or underground with my knees pulled to my chest and my arms holding them as tightly to me as I could.

When I finally got to the entry from tonight I had almost resolved to wake her up and beg forgiveness for what I had done.

 _"Alice,_

 _Tonight should have been a night I would remember for the rest of my life. Instead all I want to do is burn the memory from my brain. I let Jake take my virginity tonight and instead of being in the moment with my boyfriend, the man I am supposed to love, all I could think was it wasn't supposed to be him. It was supposed to be Edward. Even after all these months I held on to that dream of Edward being the one I gave myself to. Even while I was there with Jake I was wishing it was Edward. I even tried to close my eyes and pretend but Jake is too warm and there was no way I could make myself believe it was Edward. I wish I could use the excuse of being drunk, because I was, but I wasn't so drunk I couldn't control my thoughts. That just means I am a terrible person. Jake loves me so much and there I was wishing he were someone else… And now I feel the loss of Edward all over again. This was the last thing I had to give him and it's gone._

 _Which leaves me with just one choice to make. I have to totally and completely let Edward go. I need to give Jake as much as I am capable of. It won't be easy because the majority of my heart even now still belongs to Edward and always will. But I need to close the door on that part in order to keep myself from going back to how it was the first several months after he left. Maybe then the nightmares and panic attacks will stop. I will give Jake everything I have left because he has been the one thing that has saved me. He helped me come back to life. Which also means I need to say goodbye to you as well. No more writing you letters in my journal or sending you emails even though they always come back to my inbox undeliverable. I owe it to Charlie and Jake and I owe it to myself to grab a hold of the small bit of happiness I have found amongst all the dark and emptiness that Edward left."_

I closed the journal silently and placed it on Bella's bedside table. I stood watching her sleep for minutes, maybe hours. Lost in memories and dreams of my own. She had suffered more than I thought she would, but eventually she had started to rebuild. This Jacob had been a big part of that and while the jealousy threatened to consume me, I was still thankful for the role he had played in her life. She could be happy with him and have everything I wish I could give her. A mortal human life with kids and grandkids and most importantly, a life away from the dangers of vampires. I gently brushed a lock of hair off her face. She sighed softly in her sleep. So quietly I wondered if I had just imagined it I heard my name in the sigh, my heart clinched in my chest

I bent down and gently kissed her cheek. "Be happy Bella." I whispered and then quietly made my way out of her window and into the night.

I made a quick call to Alice to tell her about the events of the day. I apologized for taking her away from her best friend. I hadn't considered her feelings or Bella's feelings about Alice when I made the decision to force my family to leave and abandon Bella so completely. I told Alice about the journal and about the emails Bella had written.

"I don't know if she will ever write you again and Im not sure it would be a good idea for any of us to be in contact with her because of the danger we bring into her life but she might need her best friend one day and I don't want to be the cause of her feeling totally alone with no one to turn to."

"That may be sooner than you think." I could tell Alice knew something she wasn't sure I would want to know.

"Tell me." I sighed.

"I promise I wasn't looking into her future. It just happened."

"Alice I'm not mad. Please, just tell me."

"She's pregnant and there is a high probability that the baby won't live to see its 2nd birthday. Bella and the father will be married before the baby is born but for some reason after her baby dies she moves back in with Charlie and I can see her trying to contact me."

"Reopen that email address back up Alice. Be there for her when she needs you. I got a good picture of what my leaving did to her from reading her journal, if the pain of losing me hurt her that badly, I fear what she will do when she loses the child."

Alice was uncharacteristically quiet on the other end of the phone.

"Is there more?"

"Nothing that is clear. I just keep getting flashes of things. Wolves, cliffs, water…"

I could tell she was keeping some other flashes from me but I didn't press her. "If anything becomes more solid and you think I need to know, call me."

"You still aren't coming home? Esme misses you desperately."

"I miss her and everyone but I cant come back yet. I would be constantly on edge waiting on Bella to contact you and your visions would drive me insane as I tried to interpret them."

"I understand Edward. But please call us more often, at least Esme."

"I promise I will be better keeping in touch."

"Take care and come back when you can."

I hung up the phone and ran back to where I had parked my car in the woods.


	5. Chapter 5 - A new start

The next morning I woke up to the worst hangover I, in my limited experience, had ever had. My head was threatening to split into two and my stomach was in a constant state of nausea. I found some aspirin in the bathroom and slowly made my way downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I made some oatmeal which was the only thing that sounded good. I had just finished eating and was washing my bowl when someone knocked at the front door. I shuffled slowly to the door, afraid that if I moved too quick either my stomach or head would get the best of me. I slowly opened the door and squinted as the cloud covered sun proved too bright for my head.

"Geez Bella you look terrible." Jacob's teasing voice instantly annoyed me.

"Thanks Jacob. You are so sweet." I left him standing in the door and walked into the living room where I gingerly sat on the sofa.

I felt him sit down beside me but I kept my head leaned back against the sofa and my eyes closed. "I'm sorry Bells. Do you need me to get you anything?"

"No, I will be fine. Just don't talk so loud." I heard him chuckle softly. He slowly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him. I sighed and laid my head against his chest listening to his steady heartbeat. I smiled when he kissed the top of my head.

His warmth and the rhythm of his heart had almost lulled me back to sleep when he started whispering.

"Where's Charlie?"

"Apparently he had some big fishing trip this weekend and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon."

I felt him nod. "I was disappointed when I woke up and found you gone this morning."

"I know and Im sorry. I had Angela bring me home late last night. I was worried that Charlie would come looking for me if I stayed gone all night. Apparently, I didn't need to worry about it." I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing slowly, hoping Jacob would believe that was all there was to it.

"Yeah I guess it would have been bad for him to find us together like that."

I nodded silently not trusting my voice.

"I was worried maybe it was a little too much and you were having second thoughts."

I pulled away and looked up at him. "Honestly, It wasn't exactly how I pictured the first time happening, maybe that's the sentimental girl in me. I always thought it would be more… I don't know. That it would be more private and I would be much less drunk."

Jacob looked at me sadly. "I know me too and I am so sorry that it happened like that. I had our first time all planned out. It was going to be romantic and special. I promise you I will make it up to you. Please forgive me?"

I smiled at his sincerity. "Hey, there is nothing to be sorry for. I was there too and I am just as responsible for how it all went down as well. But can we not talk about a do-over right now. My head feels like it's going to split open at any moment."

"You are such a lightweight drinker Bella." He chuckled softly.

"Aren't you feeling bad at all? You drank more than I did."

"Nope, I feel just fine." He grinned proudly at me.

"Ugh Jake, you suck." I playfully punched his arm which caused him to laugh loudly.

I winced and he immediately stopped laughing and pulled me into his lap. I curled up against his chest and laid my head on his shoulder. His hand gently stroked my hair which helped ease my headache some. I sighed contentedly and I felt him smile. I could have stayed snuggled up with him for hours but my stomach grumbled. I looked up at the clock on Charlie's VCR and saw it was already lunch time. I slowly got up and made Jacob and I soup and sandwiches.

"Will you be out at La Push beach tomorrow?" Jacob asked in between bites.

"Yeah a group of us are going out there for the day."

"Who all will be there?"

"The usual people. Angela, Ben, Jessica, Mike…"

"Mike huh?" Jacob's expression turned mischievous.

"Jake, it was a month ago. I'm fine. He and Jessica are together again so I doubt he will repeat his actions from prom." I gave Jacob my best threatening glare.

Jacob laughed. "Fine, fine. I will be behave, mostly." He wiggled his eyebrows up and down and I giggled.

After lunch Jacob left to go home to shower and change clothes. He had promised Embry and Quil a guys night. I kissed him goodbye and went up to my room. I picked up my journal and a few other mementos around my room that were part of my Edward collection and dug through my closet until I found an empty shoebox. I deposited the items in the box, taped the lid closed and shoved it into the back of my closet. I took a few deep calming breathes before I turned around, closed the closet door and walked away.

I could do this, I had to do this. Jacob loved me and I loved Jacob. Edward had been gone almost a year. He had made his feelings clear that afternoon in the woods. I needed to let him go. The hole in my heart throbbed painfully. My arms started to wrap themselves around my chest but I angrily forced them to my sides. "NO!" I shouted. Hot angry tears spilled from my eyes. I scrunched my eyes closed. "Isabella Marie Swan you will stop this right now." I stood in the middle of my room eyes scrunched closed my hands balled in fists at my side and waited for the throbbing to stop. I forced myself to think of Jacob, of his cocky smile and his soft lips. Jacob was here and he wanted me, he loved me more than I deserved probably, but for some reason he stuck by my side through everything. "He loves me", I kept repeating until the throbbing faded and my body could relax.


	6. Chapter 6 - An unexpected consequence

Over the next two months Jacob and I spent pretty much every waking moment together, either at my house or on the reservation. Thankfully, he hadn't tried to make up for the graduation party yet and I was glad. I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. It had been hard to close off the part of my heart that ached for Edward. But I was taking it one day at a time and most days I was successful. It was harder than I expected to give up my journal, but I needed to give my new life with Jacob a real chance.

One unusually sunny Saturday morning I laid in bed making a mental list of books I wanted to look for at my favorite book store. Jacob and I had decided to make the short trip to Port Angeles to do some shopping and catch an early movie. Without warning I was overwhelmed by an intense dizzy spell and then my stomach lurched dangerously. I threw back the covers and ran for the bathroom. I hadn't eaten anything yet so thankfully there wasn't much in my stomach. I sat on the cold bathroom floor waiting for the dizziness and nausea to pass. When it felt safe to move I brushed my teeth and went back to my room. I threw on my favorite blue plaid shirt and a pair of jeans before making my bed.

I thought back to what I had eaten for dinner the night before. I had made Charlie and I fried chicken, green beans and a salad. Maybe the chicken had been bad. It had looked and smelled fine when I was frying it up. I went downstairs to see if Charlie was sick too. He was sitting at the table reading the newspaper while eating a bowl of oatmeal.

"How are you this morning Dad?"

Charlie looked up from the newspaper. "Im good. Just about to head down the station. I heard you in the bathroom. You coming down with something?"

"Im not sure. I thought maybe it was food poisoning but you aren't sick and we had the same thing for dinner last night."

Charlie shrugged and got up to take his bowl to the kitchen. As he passed by me the smell from his oatmeal caused my stomach to lurch again. I swallowed several times trying to get rid of the urge to make another run for the bathroom. I forced a smile as Charlie walked out the front door. I sat down at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands. When my stomach was settled I got up and made myself some toast.

While I waited on my toast I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and opened the fridge to get the orange juice, the smell of the left over chicken filled my nose. I slapped my hand over my mouth and ran up the stairs to the bathroom. Jacob found me kneeling over the toilet.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

"Ugh Jake, go back downstairs. You don't need to see this."

I heard him walk down the stairs but then he came right back up with a glass of water. I leaned against the tub and gratefully took the glass of water from her. I slowly sipped at the water. Jacob sat down just outside the bathroom door.

"I thought maybe it was food poisoning from the fried chicken I made for dinner last night but Charlie isn't sick. I really don't want to have the flu now at the end of summer vacation."

"Do you have a fever or any other symptoms?"

"I don't think I have a fever. I don't have the chills or anything. I was dizzy earlier but thats about it."

"Do you want to try and eat something? Just to see if maybe that will settle your stomach?"

"I started making toast before I had to run up here. Thats about the only thing that sounds good."

I carefully stood up and brushed my teeth again. Jacob stayed by my side as we went back down the stairs and into the kitchen. I grabbed my toast from the toaster and sat down at the table. I took small bites and chewed slowly.

"Maybe we should postpone our Port Angeles trip." Jacob watched me with concern.

"No way! I have been looking forward to this trip for weeks. I am feeling better now that I have eaten." I smiled trying to reassure him that I was feeling better.

"Are you sure? Maybe we should hang around here so you can take it easy."

"I want to go, I need books and some clothes. Apparently laying around all summer is causing me to gain weight. Some of my clothes don't fit anymore."

Jacob looked at me with an expression I couldn't read but before I could ask him about it he smiled. "Fine, lets go."

The toast did seem to help and I felt a little better. Jacob drove us in his Rabbit to Port Angeles. We stopped at the bookstore first and I was able to find a couple of the books I wanted. While I went clothes shopping Jacob said he needed to run an errand for Billy. We met up at our favorite Thai food restaurant for lunch. I was so hungry that I felt like I could have eaten my lunch and Jacob's. After lunch we loaded our shopping bags in the trunk of his car before heading to the movie theater.

I fell asleep halfway through the movie, my head nestled against Jacob's shoulder as his arm was wrapped around me. He was unusually quiet as he drove us back to Fork.

"Sorry I fell asleep during the movie. I just couldn't keep my eyes open."

"Are you having trouble sleeping again?" Jacob kept his eyes on the road.

He knew all about the nightmares I had started having after Edward left. I watched his face for a minute before answering. "I haven't had one of the nightmares in a month. I actually slept quite peacefully last night. Maybe I am coming down with something. But I feel fine now, not like this morning."

Jacob finally turned his head and looked at me. He carefully reached behind my seat and pulled a plastic drug store bag into the front seat. He handed it to me.

"What's this for?"

"I think that will give us an idea about what caused you to be sick."

Confused I looked at him. I opened the bag and peaked inside. My heart flip-flopped in my chest and I looked back at Jacob. "I… No.. What?"

"The night of the graduation party we weren't exactly careful." He looked at me apologetically.

We hadn't used a condom and I wasn't on any birth control. I tried to remember my last period, it had been before my graduation. The dizziness, throwing up, sensitivity to food odor and the fact that my clothes were becoming snug enough to be uncomfortable. "Oh God… Charlie is going to kill me." My head turned slowly towards Jacob, my eyes opened wide in fear. "Charlie is going to kill you."

Jacob grimaced. "We don't know for sure Bella. Maybe you have some weird sort of summer flu." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince me.

"What are we going to do if I am?" My voice quivered as I fought back the tears.

"I love you Bella and while this isn't the best timing I have known I want to spend my life with you since you came back to Forks to live with your dad. This doesn't change that, but lets wait until we know for sure before we start making those plans."

I nodded and pulled the pregnancy test out of the bag. There were 2 tests in the box. The instructions said it was best to test in the morning but I knew I wouldn't be able to wait. Charlie wasn't home yet when we got to my house. Jacob helped me bring in my shopping bags and then sat on the sofa waiting for me to take one of the tests.

My hands shook as I pulled the test out of the box and unwrapped it. I fought back a panic attack as I impatiently waited the 5 minutes for the test to finish. The timer on my phone vibrated and I walked over to the counter to look down at my future. I closed my eyes and took several deep breathes. When I opened my eyes and looked at the small digital screen I nearly passed out. I had to hold on to the counter to keep from falling. I read the words over and over thinking maybe I was not seeing them correctly. "Pregnant 2-3 months"

I didn't realize I was crying until I looked into the mirror above the sink. I was going to be a mother. I didn't look like anyones mother. I kept staring at my reflection in the mirror trying to imagine me as the mother of the little baby that was growing inside me. I looked down at my stomach, pulling my shirt up to look at the spot where he or she would be. There was a slight bump there, nobody but me would have noticed it. I ran my hand over the small hard bump. I felt a mix of wonder, love, and fear.

I knew Jacob was waiting downstairs and I wanted to be able to tell him before Charlie got home. I wiped the tears off my face, gathered up all evidence of pregnancy tests and hid them in my dresser. I took a deep breath and went downstairs to deliver the news. Jacob was sitting on the sofa, his leg bouncing as he tried to concentrate on some infomercial on tv. When I walked into the room he looked up at me. I tried to smile but I started crying. He pulled me into his lap and held me.

"It will be okay Bella. We will face this together."

"Im scared Jake. You haven't finished high school yet and I am supposed to start college in a month. How are we going to support a baby?"

"It wont be easy Bells, but we will figure it out."

I nodded and held onto him tighter.

"Bella…"

"yeah?"

"I wanted to do this so much more romantically…"

I sat up and looked at him. He smiled.

"Bella, marry me?"


	7. Chapter 7 - Answering a proposal

"Jake, I…"

"I know we are young and there are many unknowns right now. But I love you and I want to marry you. Please, make me the happiest man in the world and agree to be my wife?"

I fought another panic attack as I felt the final brick of the wall I had been building around the Edward part of my heart slide into place. "Yes, I will marry you."

Jacob leaned forward and softly placed his lips on mine. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me. I gently pulled away and got off his lap when I heard Charlie's cruiser pull into the driveway. "I better get dinner started. You want to stay?"

"Yeah, I think I should. We need to tell him together."

"Tonight? You want to tell him now?" Fear pulsed through my veins making them feel ice cold.

"I don't think we should put it off. The sooner we tell him the sooner he can start to get used to the idea."

I was about to argue when Charlie walked in the front door. I headed to the kitchen to start making dinner. Jacob and Charlie watched sports center until I had dinner on the table. Charlie kept looking between Jacob and I suspiciously.

Charlie put his fork down noisily. "Okay what's going on with you two?"

I bit my lip painfully and looked at Jacob.

He cleared his throat and slid his chair away from the table. "Charlie we have something to share with you. Bella and I… Umm.. Well, we are engaged."

Charlie looked a little shocked at first but quickly recovered. "It seems a little soon to be thinking about that. I mean Jacob you still have a year of high school left and Bella is just about to start college. I will be glad to have you as a son in law Jake but you guys don't need to rush into getting married right away. I guess it can be a long engagement. It isn't like you are pregnant and have to get married."

Jacob flinched and I looked down at my hands which were shaking.

"Bella…" I refused to look at Charlie, tears slipped silently down my cheeks. Charlie's chair scrapped against the floor noisily as he lurched at Jacob. Charlie grabbed him by the collar and pulled him towards the front door. "Get out of my house before I shoot you!"

"Charlie…" Jacob started to plead with Charlie.

"Don't "Charlie" me young man. I suggest you go home and not come back to this house."

"Ch… Dad please."

Charlie turned his anger towards me but calmed slightly when he saw the devastation on my face. "Jacob just go, I promise I will call you later."

Charlie slammed the door in Jacob's face before he could respond and then slowly walked over towards me. He pulled Jacob's now empty chair closer to me and in a very un-charlie like move wrapped his arms around me and held me as I cried.

"Im sorry Dad. I never meant for this to happen. I know you are disappointed in me."

"Shh Bella. It will be okay."

"Im so scared."

"I know baby, I know. But I will be here to help you. I wont pretend I am happy about this and I am not sure that getting married this young is a good idea. But you have to know you have options. You don't have to get married right away."

After a few more minutes I could tell Charlie was getting uncomfortable. I pulled away and smiled apologetically at him. "I love you Dad."

"Love you too Bells."

I cleaned up the dishes from dinner and Charlie watched some sports program on the tv. I went upstairs, took a shower and changed into my pajamas. Charlie was coming up to bed as I exited the bathroom.

"You are going to have to tell your mother tomorrow. And we probably need to make a doctors appointment as soon as possible."

I nodded. "I will make an appointment first thing Monday morning and call Mom tomorrow."

Renee took the news better than I expected. She only tried to demand I move to Florida with her a half a dozen times. Each time I politely declined but she finally insisted on coming for a visit. First thing Monday morning I made a doctor appointment for later that same afternoon. I could only manage to keep down toast for breakfast again but thankfully the nausea subsided by lunch time.

Jacob had told Billy our news. He had handled it much calmer than Charlie. They had decided that Jacob would get his GED so that he could get a job to support me and the baby.

Jacob drove me to my doctor appointment later that afternoon. They confirmed my pregnancy and got me started on prenatal vitamins. On the ride home from the doctor Jacob reached down and took my left hand in his. He slipped something on my finger. I looked down and saw the simple gold band with a small solitaire diamond. I held out my hand and felt like I was having an out of body experience. My hand suddenly felt ten times heavier than it should.

"It was my mother's engagement ring." Jacob said softly.

I forced the feelings of panic away. "It's perfect Jake." I smiled at him. He grinned back and seemed relieved. I leaned over the seat and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Jacob dropped me off at my house. He kissed me longingly before allowing me to get out of his car. I would have invited him in but Charlie was still adamant that Jacob was not allowed in the house. I went upstairs and turned on my computer. I logged on to the community college in Port Angeles where I was supposed to be attending classes in the fall. I registered for several internet courses I could take from here instead of actually going to campus. I figured it would help appease Charlie if he could see I was still planning on going to college.

I read through my email and I wanted so badly to write Alice. There was so much happening and I needed my best friend. I had put away my journal, making the commitment to let them all go but now I needed someone who wasn't Jacob, Charlie or Renee. I knew, just like every other time, the email would come back undeliverable but it made me feel better to get the words out. I finally gave in and wrote Alice a long email telling her about everything. I expressed my fears and pain without guilt or worrying I would hurt her feelings. Jacob was great and I could tell him almost anything but some of my feelings would hurt him and I couldn't let that happen.

I hit send and without waiting to see the message pop back into my inbox I closed the browser and turned off the computer.


	8. Chapter 8 - Sunset wedding

After a few days Charlie had calmed down enough for Jacob and Billy to come over for dinner. We decided together that Jacob and I would get married down at La Push in a couple of weeks. Charlie wanted us to stay with him but Billy had already found us a small place on the reservation. He said someone named Sam Uley owned it and had agreed to let us stay in it rent free for a year if we fixed it up. Jacob had happily agreed and I agreed because it seemed to be what he really wanted.

My mom flew in to help me with the wedding. She took me shopping for a dress in Port Angeles. I choose a simple Chantilly lace covered dress in a pale blue color. It was knee length with thin spaghetti straps and a delicately gathered waist line. Jake and I had decided to have the ceremony at the La Push beach and the dress was perfect for a summer beach wedding. On the way back home we stopped at the only floral shop in Forks and ordered a small bridal bouquet for me and a corsage for my mom. Our final stop was at the bakery next door to the floral shop where we ordered a three tiered lemon chiffon wedding cake with white frosting and little blue flowers.

Billy had already taken care of the catering thankfully. We didn't have time to send out invitations and honestly I didn't have that many people I wanted to invite. I sent an email e-vite to Angela and her boyfriend Ben, Jessica and Mike. Besides my parents that was my entire guest list. Jacob and Billy had invited the entire tribe so it wouldn't really matter that I only had a few people on my list.

Charlie had begrudgingly accepted the wedding. He seemed to be a little more accepting when I told him about having registered for internet courses at the community college. He was glad I wasn't going to give up on my education just because I was getting married and having a baby.

The night before the wedding Embry had a bachelor party for Jacob on the reservation while Angela threw me a bachelorette party at my house. Charlie went to Billy's to watch some game on tv. I think Renee had as much fun at my party as I did. She laughed at the racy jokes while I burned dark red from embarrassment.

The next day after I had finished my toast and gotten my stomach to calm down Renee and I went and got manicures and pedicures. While we were soaking our feet and our nails were being painted she decided it was time for a mother daughter talk.

"Are you sure this is what you want Bella? I don't want you to wake up 6 months or a year from now and realize you made a terrible mistake. By then you will have a baby and it is the hardest thing in the world to pack up and leave when you have a baby to consider."

I knew it had been hard on my mom when she left with me and Charlie had been devastated. But Jacob and I weren't Charlie and Renee.

"It's not how or when I wanted this all to happen, but, yeah I'm happy."

"You know that you can always move back with Phil and I. We will help with the baby and you can work on your degree."

"Thanks Mom. But really, I am okay, promise."

"Just always remember I'm always here for you and you have Phil and Charlie. You aren't alone or lacking in people who love you."

"I know and I love you all too. I know that nobody wanted this to happen this soon, most of all me, but Jake and I were on this path already. It is just happening sooner than anyone expected."

Renee seemed satisfied with my answers as she nodded and smiled at me.

That evening just as the sun was starting set and casting a beautiful reflection over the water at the La Push beach, Charlie escorted me down the small aisle towards Jacob. My knees were shaking and my heart was threatening to pound itself out of my chest. I hugged Charlie tightly before he passed me off to Jacob. Once he took my hand in his my heartbeat calmed and I let myself get lost in his eyes. The ceremony was over quickly and we were announced husband and wife. Jacob grabbed my hand and we ran past all the guests who started laughing in surprise.

"Jake, where are we going?"

"I just want a little moment alone with my… wife" He grinned over his shoulder at me.

I giggled. When he finally stopped we were hidden from our wedding guests in the trees beside the beach. He put both his hands on either side of my waist and pulled me to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he leaned down and claimed my lips. I sighed when he pulled away and he grinned at me.

"You look so beautiful Bella. I cannot believe you are all mine. We are married!"

I smiled. "I love you Jake."

"I love you, Bella." He gently placed his hand over my stomach. I put my hand over his. "And I love our baby"

I felt the tears stinging my eyes. He hugged me to him. "We are going to be such awesome parents. I can take him or her for rides on my motorcycle and you can teach them how not to hurt themselves when they trip over their own feet."

I giggled and my tears instantly dried. "If you think you are getting my child on a motorcycle you are sadly mistaken." I grinned at him playfully.

"I taught you how to ride one. Our child will certainly have more skills than you did." He kissed me before I could respond.

"We should get back to our guests before they think we have run away and are never coming back." I grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the beach.

The reception was more fun than I had anticipated. I even let Jacob drag me out on to the dance floor for the traditional first dance. We were both a little clumsy and unskilled but that made it even more special to me. Thankfully, when we cut the cake Jacob politely fed me a piece even though he had threatened to smoosh it on my face.

As much fun as I had I was glad when it was time for Jacob and I to leave. I hugged my mother and father before climbing into the passenger side of my truck. Jacob drove us to our new house. There wasn't money for a honeymoon, which was fine with me. I wanted to get settled into my new house before school started.

Jacob carried me over the threshold. When he set me down inside I looked around in awe. There were candles lit all over the room and rose petals scattered throughout. I turned and looked up at him. He was watching me with an expression I recognized. He'd had the same expression at the graduation party before he had led me to the bedroom. He gently put his hands on my hips and pulled me to him. I inhaled his familiar scent.

"I told you I would make it up to you. This is how I dreamed our first time together would be. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone Bella and now, not only are you my wife but also the mother of my child. I want to do this right so that you will know how much I love you."

"Jake…" I whispered his name. I looked up into his eyes with the depth of the love I felt for him clearly displayed. I heard the catch in his breath as his hand reached out and caressed the side of my face. I stood on my tip toes with my hand behind his neck as I pulled his lips down to mine. That was all the invitation he needed. Suddenly, he was kissing me with a fierceness I had never experienced before. His hands roamed my body and they seemed to be everywhere at once. He wasted no time in stripping us both of all our clothing. Without breaking our lips apart he lifted me up, I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me towards the bedroom. He gently laid me down on the bed and hovered over me supporting his weight on his arms.

He pulled away and I groaned in frustration. He smiled. He lifted my leg and wrapped it around his waist and with a slow fluid motion he slid into me. My back arched up towards him and I moaned softly. He pushed himself as deep as he could go and stopped. I waited but he kept still and watched me.

"Jake"

"Yes, my love?"

"Please…" I needed him, more than that, I wanted him to make love to me.

"What do you want, Bella?" He kissed me slowly, nibbling my lower lip.

"I want you Jake. I want you to make love to me. I want to feel you, all of you, inside of me."

I sighed happily when I felt his hips pull back and then push into me again. "Yes, don't stop." I moaned.

My nails dug into his back as he thrust his hips and pushed into me deeper than I thought possible. He kept a slow and steady pace and the fire in me started slowly but soon it was blazing. I cried out as I tightened around him. My body shook and I clung to Jacob when I reached my peak. I felt his pace speed up. I needed to feel him lose himself in me. "Jake, I want to feel you come in me." His guttural moan rumbled against my chest and I felt his throbbing release explode inside me. His lips claimed mine as he carefully moved to lay beside me on the bed.

I climbed on top of him, straddling him. My long hair formed a curtain as I leaned down returning my lips to his. I kissed and nibbled my way down his jaw and over his neck. I softly kissed my way down his chest. I felt his chest constrict under my hands when I nipped at his stomach. I looked up at him as he watched me curiously. I moved lower, his eyes widened when I reached my destination between his thigh and teasingly licked him. When I opened my mouth and slowly closed it over him his eyes blackened with desire, he started to say my name but the ending came out in a deep moan as I moved my tongue over his length and my lips traveled down taking as much of him as I could. He buried his hands in my hair as my head bobbed over him. His moans stoked my own desires and I moved back up straddling him again as I held myself over him and slowly lowered my hips as I slid him into my extremely wet center. I whimpered as my body stretch to accommodate him.

I moved on top of him awkwardly at first, not sure of myself but eventually I found a steady rhythm that seemed to please us both. Jacob's hands wandered over my body until they stopped at my breasts. He squeezed and pinched my nipples. My hips stuttered as pulses of pleasure shot through my nipples into my body. Jacob grinned and quickly flipped us over so he was on top again. He thrust into me fast and I felt my body start to tingle as I neared my climax. He lifted one of my legs over his shoulder and I screamed out his name as I fell apart under him. I felt his body shudder as he found his release just after me.

I kissed his cheek lightly as we lay sleepily in each others arms. "I love you, Jake."

"Love you too Bells."

My Edward wall stayed firmly in place that night. It was one of the best nights of my existence. I fell asleep happy and thoroughly satisfied in the warm arms of my husband.


	9. Chapter 9 - The legends are true

Over the next several weeks Jacob studied for the GED exam in between part time shifts at a mechanic shop in Forks. I spent most of my time at our house unpacking all of our stuff and decorating our little home before school started. Thankfully, the week before I started my internet classes my morning sickness faded.

Most nights I was able to keep my Edward wall in it's place. Occasionally though it would slip, I tried to hide it but I think Jacob could sense it, because those nights his love making was rougher and he seemed determined to make me forget everything but him. The next morning he would be a little distant and I would withdraw into my guilt. Jacob passed his GED exam and was offered a full time position at the mechanic shop.

As the months ticked by and my stomach finally started to show signs of the growing life inside it Jacob got more protective. It didn't help that the once a week Charlie came over for dinner he would tell us about a string of missing hikers in the area. So far they had only found one body. Jacob would barely let me out of his presence except when he was at work and even then he would call or text me every time he had a spare minute.

On top of the protectiveness Jacob became easily agitated and would snap at me over any little thing.

One night was particularly bad. He had come home unexpectedly late from work. I had tried to keep dinner warm but as the hours passed I gave up and left a plate of food on the table for him. I had fallen asleep on the sofa watching tv when he came stomping through the door. He slammed it shut and kicked his work boots off sending mud over the floor.

"Jacob, I just cleaned the floors."

"It's nice to see you too." He grumbled at me.

I grabbed the mop and started to clean up the mud.

"I work all damn day to support you and I come home to a cold dinner you just left on the table? It would be nice if you would at least attempt to make an effort here Bella." He glared at me.

"I didn't know you were going to be late. I tried to keep it warm but…" My hands gripped the mop tightly. I bit back my own temper because I knew from experience that only made it worse.

"Whatever, I guess I need to be a Cullen to get you to really care." He picked up his plate and stomped into the living room to sit in front of the tv.

I stared at his retreating back with my mouth open. I left the mop where it was and locked myself in our bedroom so he wouldn't see me crying. I heard him curse at the bedroom door before he stormed out of the house and didn't come back that night.

I had one of my nightmares that night. I hadn't had one that bad in at least 6 months. I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat. I started to get out of bed but I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach. Panic surged through my body. I yelled for Jacob but he didn't answer. I stumbled to the bedroom door and unlocked it. I looked around our small living room/kitchen area but he wasn't there. I tried calling his cell but it went straight to voicemail. Another pain shot through my stomach. I called Charlie.

"Bella?"

"Dad, Im sorry to call at this hour but I cant find Jake and…. OW, mother…!"

"Bella whats wrong?"

"I don't know. Im having shooting pains in my stomach. The baby…" I started to sob.

"I will come get you and take you to the hospital. Stay there."

Charlie pulled in front of the house in record time. He jumped out and helped me into the cruiser. He turned on the lights and sped to the emergency room. I was admitted and was hooked up to a machine that monitored the baby's heart rate. After a couple more pains they brought me down to the ultrasound tech. Charlie held my hand as we both watched the screen waiting for the baby to appear. When we finally saw it I squeezed Charlie's hand. I heard him sniffle. As we watched the baby on the screen I saw its heart beating and felt a little comforted.

After the ultrasound I was taken back to my room to wait on a doctor to come in and tell me what was going on. Charlie called Billy looking for Jacob. He wasn't there but Billy said he would try to find him. The doctor finally came in and told me that the baby looked fine. He said it was probably just my body adjusting to the growing baby. He asked me about my stress levels and advised me to try and reduce the amount of stress I was dealing with. I wasn't sure that was even possible, but I promised to try. They released me into my dad's care with instructions to take it easy for the next couple of days.

Charlie offered to drive me back to my house but I didn't want to be alone. He nodded and didn't press me to explain why I didn't know where Jacob was.

Charlie drove me to his house and helped me up the stairs to my old room. He tucked me in like he used to when I was a little girl. Then he went back to his own bed to get a couple more hours of sleep before he had to be at work. Thankfully I was able to go to sleep almost instantly. When I woke up sunlight was streaming brightly through the window. I stretched and slowly sat up. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and I jumped.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Jake?" I stared at him trying to hide the hurt I felt from him disappearing.

"Bella, I am so sorry about last night. I should have been there. It's my job to take care of you and I messed up."

"Yes you did. We are married now Jake. You can't just up and disappear like that. Even if you are mad at me."

"Are you okay?"

"The baby is fine. Apparently the pain was from my body adjusting to the baby. They also said that I needed to avoid stress. Not sure how I am supposed to do that though."

"Bella, there are some things I need to tell you. It will explain where I was last night and why I have not really been myself lately."

"Ok. But can I get something to eat first?"

"Sure. Let me take you home and I will cook you a big breakfast." He smiled at me.

"Yeah, that would be nice."

When we got to our house I took a quick shower while Jacob made breakfast. When I came out of the bathroom Jacob had the table set and the food was ready. I sat down and filled my plate with eggs and bacon. He watched me eat for a couple of minutes before he started to talk.

"Do you remember the stories I told you on the beach when you came with your friends from school?"

I swallowed my food slowly. "About the cold ones?"

"That wasn't the only story I told you about, although I understand why that is the first one you would think of."

My forehead scrunched up as I tried to remember what other stories he had told me. "Wolves, the Quiluetes are descended from wolves."

He nodded. "Yes. I always thought they were just silly stories but they aren't."

I sat my fork down. "What?"

"Its all true. The story of the cold ones, their treaty with my tribe, the story of members of the tribe transforming into wolves." He watched me as I tried to process what he was saying.

"Are you… How do you know? What does this mean?"

"Last night the reason I didn't come home wasn't because I was mad after we had a fight. I was upset yes and I know I have been on edge the past couple of weeks. I haven't treated you like I should and I am sorry. I don't ever want to hurt you."

"Where were you last night Jake?"

"I was upset with myself for how I acted and I could hear you crying through the bedroom door. I went for a walk to clear my head but I was feeling really sick and then I phased into a wolf. I started to freak out, Sam found me and helped me through it."

"Jake, I…" I didn't know what to say or how to respond. It was hard to wrap my mind around. But I knew about the existence of vampires so was it really that far fetched that werewolves could also exist?

"I know its hard to believe. I couldn't believe it myself at first. After you finish breakfast I would like to take you to Sam and Emily's place so I can show you." His eyes pleaded with me.

I got up from my seat and walked over to him. Jacob watched me curiously. I sat down on his lap and wrapped my arms around him. "It doesn't matter to me what you are Jake. I love you."

I felt his wide grin against my forehead.

"Bella" Jacob whispered. He stood up, lifting me into his arms and carried me to the bedroom. He kissed away the memories of the harsh words he had spoken to me and caressed the hurt away as he made love to me. Afterwards he held me gently and played with my hair. All too soon he pulled away and we both got dressed. He drove us the short distance to Sam's house. He let Sam explain the history of the tribe and all about the werewolf gene. He shared his story with me. I found the imprinting part interesting, the way he described how he felt for Emily reminded me of how I had felt about Edward.

I bit my lip painfully when he talked about their main purpose was to kill vampires that came onto their land.

"But there aren't any vampires in the area anymore." I watched as Jacob and Sam exchanged a look.

"The missing hikers that your father is investigating are all victims of at least one vampire, maybe two." Sam gave me a minute to process this new information.

"Have you seen them?"

"Just one so far. Although there is a second whose smell has mingled with the one we have seen."

"What does the vampire you have seen look like?"

"She is pretty unremarkable to us. Except for her bright red hair. We keep chasing her off and she keeps coming back. We haven't figured out what she wants yet."

I fought back the bile that was in my throat. "I know what she wants."

Jacob and Sam both watched me with an intensity that almost scared me. Jacob was physically vibrating in his seat and his hands were clinched into tight fists.

"She's after me." I whispered barely loud enough for them to hear me.

"JAKE OUTSIDE NOW!" Sam commanded.

I watched in shock as Sam dragged Jacob out of the front door of the house. Emily was by my side instantly as I stood and walked to the front door. I started trembling as I watched Jacob's clothes rip into shreds as his body impossibly transformed into a large angry russet colored wolf. Sam had already transformed into an even larger black wolf and was guarding the house. Their growls hurt my ears they were so loud. Finally, Jacob seemed to calm and he looked over Sam's furry black shoulder at me. Sam moved out of the way and allowed Jacob to step towards the porch of the house.

I felt like everyone's eyes were on me to see how I would react. I slowly walked to the edge of the porch and stared into the wolf's… Jacob's eyes. I slowly reached my hand towards him. He came a little closer and I gently caressed his muzzle. He nosed my hand and I smiled at him. I walked down the steps of the porch and cautiously wrapped my arms around his furry neck. He rested his big head against mine and it felt like he was purring.

"I love you Jake. No matter if you are a big furry dog."

He made a sound like a laugh. He nosed my hand again and turned and walked with Sam to the edge of the forest. After that afternoon I was not allowed to leave La Push without Jacob or Sam. At night while I slept Jacob would leave to run patrols with the pack. There were 5 so far, Jacob, Sam, Jared, Paul and Embry. There was always one close by to keep watch over me while Jacob was on patrol.

Sometimes during the day when I got bored of homework I would walk to Sam and Emily's. I liked Emily, she was always calm and it helped me to stay calm. We would work in her garden and afterwards sit on the porch sipping lemonade.


	10. Chapter 10 - A family of three

Even with all the drama of Victoria and the wolf pack, I kept up my school work. By the end of the fall term I had a 4.0 gpa, Charlie beamed with pride. I registered for more internet courses in the spring. Victoria kept escaping the pack and Jacob was growing more frustrated that they hadn't been able to kill her yet. He tried to keep his frustration under control when he was home with me but he wasn't always successful. His frustration caused me to become distant, which in turn only made his mood worse.

One grey morning in mid march, Jacob had just come in from patrolling and was snoring on the sofa while I worked on a homework assignment. I was about to submit my finished assignment when the first of my labor pains hit. I timed them for several hours, trying to keep my whimpering from waking Jacob. When my water broke the pains became even more intense and left me breathless. I was holding on to the back of the sofa, my eyes closed and my forehead scrunched when he woke up.

"Bella? Whats the matter?"

"I think… deep breathes… We need to go to the hospital…"

He jumped up off the sofa and ran around the house like a crazy man. If I hadn't just been hit by a long painful contraction right at that moment I might have laughed. He grabbed my hospital bag and threw it into the truck. Then he ran back in the house and held my arm as he slowly walked me to the truck and helped me into the passenger side. He drove as fast as my truck would go towards the Forks hospital. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing every time a contraction hit which seemed like it was every few seconds.

He got me into the emergency room and they sent me up to labor & delivery where I was checked into a room right away. My doctor came in and checked me. I was 8 cm dilated. They told Jacob it wouldn't be much longer. The doctor watched the monitor they had on the baby for several minutes and frowned a couple of times. Every time I was going to ask what was wrong another contraction would hit.

Jacob called Charlie and Billy to tell them we were having the baby. Another painful 20 minutes and the nurse said I was fully dilated and could start pushing with my next contraction. I didn't have to wait long for the next contraction and my body seemed to know it was time, I involuntarily felt myself pushing the baby out. 10 minutes later I was holding my daughter and crying tears of joy.

"She's so beautiful." I smiled up at Jacob.

"Of course she is. She looks just like you." He kissed my forehead.

The nurse took her from me to clean her up and get her vitals. I didn't notice when the doctor talked quietly to the nurse and she wrote down some instructions in the baby's chart. They brought my daughter back to me wrapped in a pink swaddling blanket and a cute little pink hat. I couldn't stop staring at her face. She was perfect. The nurses cleaned up the room and then Charlie and Billy were allowed to come in to see their granddaughter.

Charlie held her first. "She has your eyes Bella." He smiled down at her and cooed. Charlie reluctantly handed her off to Billy. Both men seemed to fall instantly in love with her.

Billy grinned at Jacob. "Poor kid got your ears. Thankfully, everything else is all Bella."

"What's her name?" Charlie asked without taking his eyes off her.

"Emma Allison." Jacob's voice was filled with so much love for his daughter. "Bella has already nicknamed her Emmie."

Charlie nodded in approval. Billy and Charlie left a little while later. Jacob sat on the bed beside me as we took turns holding our daughter.

"We made her." Jacob stared down at Emmie.

"The best thing we ever made together." I leaned my head on his shoulder. "She is going to have your hair."

He took off her pink cap and softly caressed the black hair that covered her head. He smiled. "I hope she ends up with your eye color." Jacob looked over at me his eyes filled with love and gratitude.

"She is absolutely perfect. She has the best parts of each of us."

We weren't expecting the doctor to come back, when he walked through the door we both were instinctively on guard.

He talked about his initial concerns when he watched the baby's heart rate on the monitor before she was born and then her initial coloring after she was born added to his concerns. He had asked the nurse to order some tests just to check and make sure everything was okay. He kept repeating that there was nothing to panic about. It was probably nothing but we needed to check just to be sure. Jacob agreed and a nurse came in to take Emmie for some testing. I was fighting so hard against the rising panic in my chest that all I could do was stare at the nurses back as she left the room with my newborn daughter.

The waiting was agonizing. Jacob and I just sat, not speaking until the nurse brought Emmie back. The Doctor came in shortly afterwards. He sat down and started talking about a rare heart defect. Emmie would need multiple surgeries throughout her life to try and correct the problem. There was a chance she wouldn't have a long life expectancy. I think he mentioned something about a transplant but I couldn't concentrate. I just kept staring at my beautiful daughters perfect face with my eyes and Jacob's ears.

I had never really thought about having children and I had been petrified when I found out I was pregnant. But I loved her instantly and had never wanted anything more than I wanted her. I don't think I would survive if I lost her too. I had barely survived losing Edward. And this was so much more than even him. I felt myself start to withdraw into my own mind. There was only one person I really wanted to talk to. Alice…

Emmie and I were discharged the next day with a list of upcoming appointments with specialists for my tiny daughter. Jacob drove us home and then had to go to work. Emmie was asleep so I took the opportunity to turn on my computer and fruitlessly email Alice. I finally let all the emotion I had been holding in out as I wrote Alice a detailed account of Emmie's birth and what the doctor had told us about her heart. I wrote about my fears and how I would cope if she didn't make it. Emmie started to cry as I hit the send button. I quickly turned off the computer and went to comfort her.

All the specialists said the same thing the Doctor had said. Emmie would need dangerous surgeries. She may die very young. Jacob and I tried to stay positive. She was our daughter, we were both fighters, she would be too. She would defy the odds.

The first year of Emmie's life she spent more time in the hospital than at home it felt like. I never left her side. Jacob was stretched thin between work, hunting Victoria and being at the hospital with Emmie. We didn't have much time alone together but that didn't matter to me. My main concern was our daughter, Jacob and I would have alone time once Emmie was better.


	11. Chapter 11 - Can't let him go

Emmie finally came home just in time for her 1st birthday party. She had been in the hospital for a couple of months this time.

Thankfully, her next surgery wasn't scheduled for another 6 months. It was a relief to be home and not see my daughter hooked up to iv's and monitors.

That night Jacob and I put Emmie to bed together and watched her while she slept. He took my hand in his and quietly led me out of the room and into our bedroom. He started kissing me and tearing at my clothes.

"Jake…" He fisted my hair pulling my head back and forcing my mouth open as his tongue slipped inside.

I felt my body start to respond but my mind was still in control. I pushed at him and he pulled away looking at me with a frustrated expression.

"Im not on birth control. I haven't had time to make an appointment. Do we have any condoms?"

"Bella, seriously?! We haven't been together in months and all you can think about is that? We are married, if you get pregnant again its fine."

"Do you honestly think we need to be having another baby right now? With all that we are going through with Emmie?"

"I want to make love to my wife! I am willing to take that risk because I need you. I need to feel like we still are connected."

I started to argue but I saw his vulnerability hidden behind a mask of anger. His body was starting to shake like it used to when he first started phasing. I knew it would hurt him if I refused and I didn't want to see the pain turn to anger like it always did with him lately. I was already hanging by a thread emotionally.

I slipped my pajama pants down my hips and let them fall to the floor. I pulled my t-shirt up over my head and dropped it on the floor beside my pajama pants. I stepped forward and put my hand on Jacob's chest and lifted my head to look up at him. Instantly his mood shifted, his animalistic lust took over.

He wasn't gentle with me, I could feel his anger still lurking underneath his desire. He turned me around so that my back was pressed against his chest. He roughly pulled my underwear off, spread my legs apart and pushed me so I was bent over our bed and thrust himself into me so hard I had to bite back a scream. He kept thrusting into me hard and fast, his hands on either side of my hips holding me up as he drilled into me. My hands gripped the blanket as I cried out into the mattress. I felt his throbbing inside me as he found his release.

I waited for him to pull out of me but he didn't. I started to move away but he growled. He never stopped moving inside me and I felt him start to harden again. He pulled out of me long enough to turn me around push me back onto the bed. He put one of my legs over his shoulder and pushed himself back into me. Some of his anger had dissipated so he was a little more gentle with me this time. I held on to him and tried to enjoy it this time. Something in my face seemed to spark his anger again and he grabbed my head forcing my eyes to look into his.

"Look at me! Don't you dare think of HIM while I, your husband, am making love to you."

I couldn't hide the shock from him.

"What? You think I didn't know thats what you are doing when you close your eyes. I can tell the difference, Bella. When you keep eye contact and participate in making love with me I know its me you're seeing. It's me you are making love to. But the times you close your eyes you barely respond to me. You're thinking of him and I know it's not me you want fucking you. But tonight I am not in the mood to pretend I don't know whats happening. You will see me. You will know it's me moving inside you. It's me that is making you moan. It's me who will make you climax and it's me who will you will feel come inside you. Not him!"

"Jake.. I.."

"No…" He kissed me roughly and I kept my eyes on his as I responded to every touch. I closed my mind to every thought or worry and just let myself feel the pleasure my husband was trying to make me feel. It was his name I called out when I felt myself tighten around him and it was only his face I saw when my body vibrated with it's release.

Jacob filled me with his seed for the second time that night and then rolled us over so I was laying on top of his chest. I fell into an exhausted sleep as I listened to his steady heartbeat.

When I woke up the next morning I was alone in bed. My body was sore and I remembered the conversation we had. I had thought I done a good job of hiding the times I couldn't keep thoughts of Edward at bay. I should have known better. I never was good at lying or pretending. And Jacob knew me better than anyone.

Sighing I got out of bed and put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I started for Emmie's room to check on her but I heard her babbling in the kitchen. I walked down the short hall and found Jacob feeding her breakfast. I stood silently in the doorway and watched them together.

We enjoyed quality family time over the next six months. I tried harder to be a good wife for Jacob. I never allowed myself to think of Edward as I made love with my husband. Jacob wasn't so willing to forgive me this time. It seemed the harder I tried the more frustrated he was. His love making was never gentle anymore. I felt the distance growing between us but I didn't know how to fix it.

The night before Emmie's next surgery I had one of my old nightmares. Jacob shook me awake, I looked into his angry eyes and immediately burst into tears. He let go of my arms and sat back against the pillows.

"I just don't understand why you cant let him go Bella. It's been years now."

"It was just a nightmare Jacob. A completely empty black nightmare. He isn't even in it."

"Then why do you call out for him every time you have it?"

"I do what?"

"You call out his name over and over."

"I don't have control over what I dream about or talk about in my sleep Jacob. You can hardly hold that against me." I sighed in frustration.

"Maybe not, but Im still competing against him even though he left you and doesn't care enough to come back to protect you from Victoria and her friend."

I flinched knowing Jacob was trying to hurt me. Guilt washed over me. I was hurting him daily and he didn't deserve that. But I had warned him hadn't I?

"Jacob I warned you before we were married that there was always going to be a part of me that would never work right, that would always be his. You said I was enough, that what I had to offer was and always would be enough."

Jacob rubbed his eyes. "I know, Bella. But I thought with more time you would heal and Edward would become some distant memory. Look I know you are trying but its painful to watch. And frankly, Im tired of being hurt. I can't keep pretending I'm okay with him still having a hold over you. Maybe… we should take a break from each other. Just for a little while."

Tears slipped down my face, my arms wrapped around my chest as a new smaller hole started to develop. I couldn't look at him, I didn't want to see the pain and anger in his eyes.

"I wish I could be what you deserve Jake. I pray every day for that. I love you as much as I am capable of, I hope you realize that at least. It kills me to know Im hurting you and if you need time then I will give you that. After Emmie's surgery tomorrow she and I will stay at Charlie's for a while." I got out of bed and stumbled out of the room before he could respond. I kept holding my chest as I tried to quiet my crying. I slipped into Emmie's room and curled up in the rocking chair watching her sleep as the tears streamed down my face.

The ride to the hospital was silent except for Emmie's occasional chatter. I stared out the window as Jacob drove. When we arrived at the hospital I walked silently beside Jacob as he carried Emmie inside. We were brought to a pre-op room and I changed Emmie into a tiny hospital gown. I kissed her cheek and whispered how much I love her before they wheeled her in to the operating room. We were escorted to the waiting room and I took a seat by the window and turned my body away from Jacob and stared out the window. My arms again involuntarily wrapped themselves tightly around my chest. Charlie arrived shortly after us and looked from Jacob to me. He frowned when he saw my arms around my chest. He sat down quietly next to me, nobody said anything and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind.


	12. Chapter 12 - Saying goodbye

After a couple of hours we were called into the Doctors office. Charlie held my arm as we walked into the office. I sat down in one of the chairs and he stood behind me. The Doctor walked in and his expression made me want to throw up.

I felt like I was falling down the all too familiar pit of my nightmares when he started to tell us that they tried to save Emmie but they couldn't bring her back. He kept apologizing and I wanted to scream at him to shut up. The hole in my heart became a huge cavern and what was left shattered completely. My perfect beautiful baby was gone. I would never get to hold her again. I wouldn't see her grow up.

I started to stand up but I couldn't feel my legs. Charlie caught me before I could fall and hurt myself. I felt familiar warm arms hold me and then I started sobbing her name over and over. The arms held me tighter trying to quiet me but it only made me panic more. Gut wrenching sobs shook my body and I started to hyperventilate. I felt a pinch in my arm and then my body began to relax, my brain started to cloud over and my sobs became whimpers. The last thing I remembered was calling out Jacob's name and then everything was black.

When I woke up I found myself back at home laying in bed. Jacob snored beside me. I started to feel the panic rising inside my chest. I quietly slipped out of bed and left the bedroom. I stood staring at Emmie's closed door trying to calm myself. I prayed that it had all been a nightmare. I opened her door and walked inside. Her crib was empty and it all crashed down on me again. I couldn't control the guttural sobs that tore from my body as I slid to the floor beside her crib. I rocked back and forth holding my chest.

Jacob sat down beside me and pulled me to him. I felt his chest constricting as he cried with me. We sat on the floor crying together for a while before he picked me up and carried me back to our bedroom. He laid me on my side of the bed and started to walk to his side but I grabbed his arm and pulled him down beside me. I reached up and softly kissed his lips. My hands explored his bare chest.

"Bella, I don't think we…"

"Please, Jake, I need you."

"Bella…"

"Jake… Please…"

Jacob pulled me closer and tenderly kissed my lips. All the tenderness that had been missing from our love making over the past several months was in his every touch now. His hands softly caressed every inch of my body as he moved inside me. I didn't hold back as I gave every bit of myself to him as we made love. It was the way it should have always been. We reached our peaks together and held each other as we came back to earth. It didn't take long for my brain to come back to reality.

I couldn't stop my body from shaking and I felt myself about to lose the little bit of sanity I was clinging to. Jacob seemed to have anticipated this. He opened his hand and tipped two little white pills into my hand. Then reached over to my bedside table and got the glass of water that was sitting there. I looked into his eyes. He nodded encouragingly and I swallowed the pills while chugging half the glass of water.

He took the glass from me and put it back on my table. He pulled me back against his chest and held me until my body relaxed and the blackness started to envelope me.

"Thank you, Jake." I murmured.

"I will always love you Bella. Always."

When I woke again Jacob was gone. I walked emotionlessly through the house. I found a note on the table from Jacob.

 _"Bella, Victoria and her friend tried to come on to the reservation last night. Embry and Sam killed her friend but she got away again. Sam called us all out to patrol. Charlie and Billy are making the arrangements for Emma. I will be back as soon as I can. -Jake."_

I walked away from the table. I stood staring at my computer for a moment before I decided to turn it on. I opened my email and started a message to Alice. I didn't know how to say what I felt. I couldn't possibly put it into words. I felt nothing and everything at the same time.

I decided to just list the facts. My daughter was dead. My marriage was irretrievably broken and it was all my fault. I had broken Jacob like Edward had broken me. Now, there was nothing left for Jacob and I to try to hold on to that could save our marriage. She was gone. I hit send and shut off the computer.

I walked back to the bedroom and stood there feeling more alone than I ever felt in my life. I could feel myself shutting down like I did after Edward left. I didn't notice when the sky darkened and night arrived. I was still standing in the same spot staring at the wall when Jacob came home. I didn't notice when he gently guided me to the bed and laid me down. I didn't notice when Charlie and Renee arrived and tried to talk to me. Charlie had seen this before. Only this time it was much worse. The first time he had seen this I would at least eat and sleep on my own. This time I couldn't be coaxed to eat. I didn't sleep unless Jacob gave me one of the pills.

The day of Emmie's funeral I let Jacob lead me into the church. I sat where he guided me and just stared at the tiny little casket that was sitting a few feet from us. I felt Jacob's hands shaking and his chest constricting. I looked up at him and saw the devastation. I fought through my fog to comfort him. He had lost her too. I held him up and let him cry on my shoulder. I held his hand firmly in mine as we walked up to the casket and said goodbye to our precious daughter. I didn't let myself feel my own pain. I needed to be strong for Jacob and he needed me to be strong for him.

The funeral ended and we went back to our empty house. I had exhausted myself emotionally being strong for Jacob. I couldn't hold up the wall that hid my pain anymore. I had nothing left to give him or anyone. I crawled into bed and took three of the little pills. When the darkness quickly descended I embraced it.


	13. Chapter 13 - Irreparably broken

The next morning was Saturday and Jacob would be on patrol most of the day. I got out of bed as soon as I heard him leave and started packing a bag with some of my necessities. I quickly went into Emmie's room and took the blanket and stuffed wolf out of her crib and put those in my bag. After one last glance at our house I closed the door, threw my bag on the passenger seat of my truck and drive to Charlie's. His cruiser wasn't in the driveway when I pulled up. I used the hidden key to let myself in and hauled my bag upstairs and where I dropped it unceremoniously on the floor in my old room. I opened the bag and pulled out Emmie's blanket and stuffed wolf. I crawled onto my bed and curled up with them. I couldn't sleep so I just laid there staring at the wall.

When Charlie came home he knelt beside the bed. "Hey Bells."

I looked up at him. "Dad." He grimaced at the emptiness and emotionless tone of my voice.

"What are you doing here?"

"Jacob and I are taking a break. He said he needs time."

"He waits until you lose your daughter to decide you two need to separate? What kind of man does that?"

"This was decided before Emmie… We decided this before. It isn't his fault. It's me. I'm too broken. I cant be what he needs or deserves. "

Charlie watched me for a minute. "Does Jacob know you left?"

I shook my head. "No I left while he was gone. But we agreed that after Emmie's surgery I would come stay with you for a while. Im just holding up my end of the bargain. I owe him that much."

"Bella, come on I am sure you can work this out."

"Dad, I have been broken for a while. I don't know if I will ever heal and even though I warned Jacob before we started dating, he thought he could help me heal. But even he cant. He is better off. It's for the best."

"Bella, maybe you could…"

"Dad, Im really tired, can we talk later?" I closed my eyes.

"Sure Bells." I heard him get up and walk out of the room closing the door behind him.

I heard my cellphone ding. I retrieved it from my bag. There was a new text message from a number I didn't recognize. "Bella, I got your emails. I am here at this number if you need to talk. -Alice.

I started to reply when I heard Jake's voice. I turned off my phone and hid it under my pillow. His heavy footsteps came closer and closer and then I heard a knock at my bedroom door. "Bella?"

He opened the door and came inside closing it behind him.

"We need to talk. I have something I need to tell you. It's not good timing and the last thing I want to do is hurt you even more right now. But you deserve to hear it from me."

He came and knelt down beside the bed so that he could see my face. I stared silently up at him. He took my hands and I let him help me up until I was sitting up on the bed. He sat down beside me and took my hands in his.

"Do you remember the day when I took you to Sam and Emily's to have him tell you about the legend of the wolves and he told you about imprinting?"

I nodded. Sam had told me about him, Leah and Emily. I remember at the time feeling guilty because I compared it to how I felt about Edward.

"I… God… Bella Im sorry, I really am."

I didn't think I had any more capacity to feel pain but as I watched Jacob having such a difficult time trying to tell me something I felt the final little piece of myself being ripped to shreds inside my chest.

"I imprinted on someone today. I will always care about you Bella but somehow now its different."

"I finally understand how you have felt all these months with me. Thanks for coming to tell me. I will have Charlie come get the rest of my stuff. I hope you will be happy." My voice was empty. I had no emotion left. I couldn't bring myself to look Jacob in the eye so I stared at my hands. I removed his mothers engagement ring and wedding band from my finger and silently held them out to him.

"No Bella, You keep them."

"They were your mothers. I cant keep them. I would have given them to Emmie one day but she's gone. Everyone is gone."

"Bella…"

"Jacob please. I have nothing left. He took a piece, Emmie took almost all the rest and now the last tiny bit of me that was left just got ripped to shreds. So just go and let me be. Even if there was no imprinting we wouldn't work. The total destruction of my heart is complete. I will never be able to love you they way you need me to. I will never be able to love anyone. So please just go."

"I can't just leave you like this Bella. Not when you are this upset and not when Victoria is still out there looking for you. I would feel a lot better if you would still stay at our house until we get rid of her. I will move in with my dad."

"I'm not your concern anymore Jacob. You don't need to protect me. I am a big girl, if Victoria finds me then maybe my time is up. Maybe it was up a long time ago but you kept saving me."

"Bella…"

"Jacob, please, I can't do this anymore. Please just go."

Jacob didn't move. I leaned over and grabbed the pill bottle out of my bag and took two pills out. I swallowed them and waited for the darkness to descend. When I woke up my room was pitch black and Jacob was gone. I felt my phone vibrating under my pillow. I pulled it out and looked at the screen. Another text from Alice.

 _Bella, I must remind you I can see your plans and if they get any more defined I will intervene whether you want me to or not._

I frowned remembering my fleeting thought of going to find Victoria. I opened the phone and started typing a text back.

 _I don't know what you are talking about. I don't have any plans._

I hit send and then started another text.

 _My daughters funeral was Friday and then today my husband came to tell me he werewolf imprinted on some other person. Just when I think I cant be hurt more it just keeps coming._

 _Wait, Your husband is a werewolf?_

 _Yes_

 _Bella, werewolves are dangerous!_

 _Well, that's not really a problem anymore_.

My phone flew out of my hand and smashed against the wall. I looked up into the red eyes of Victoria.


	14. Chapter 14 - Welcoming a death

"I didn't think I would ever be able to get to you." She grinned maliciously at me.

A couple of months ago I might have been petrified to be so near her but I almost welcomed the death I knew she was planning for me. I would be freed from all this pain and more importantly I would be reunited with my daughter. I didn't fight her when she grabbed me and dragged me through my bedroom window. She carried me as she ran to her waiting car. She shoved me into the car and then we sped away from Charlie's.

She finally stopped on the edge of the Quiluetes territory. She grabbed me and ran up the steep cliffs I knew well. Jacob and the others used to cliff dive off them. When we reached the top level she held me close to the edge.

"I had planned on drawing this out but those damned wolves are too smart and quick. I wish Edward could be here to watch me kill you, like he killed my James."

I snorted. "He wouldn't care. He left me a long time ago."

She tilted her head and watched me curiously. "I saw how he protected you. You were his one true mate. Vampires don't stop loving that easily."

"I guess I wasn't really his mate then because he left. I wasn't good enough for him."

"It doesn't really matter I guess. He killed James to protect you. Now I will kill you as vengeance for James." She stopped talking and turned her head quickly. "My time is almost up. Thank you for being so cooperative." She pushed me closer to the edge of the cliff.

I looked down, it wasn't the side Jacob and the pack usually jumped off of. This was the opposite side. The bottom of this side was covered in large boulders and rocks that the water flowed in between, I wouldn't survive the fall. My body would shatter once it hit the huge rocks below. I heard a wolf howl, Victoria gave me one last push and I let myself fall backwards. Closing my eyes and holding my arms out away from myself, I embraced death like an old friend. I hit the bottom and only felt pain for a second before my body was numbed. My eyes became heavy and I could feel my heartbeats becoming sluggish.

I felt a coldness wrap around me and lift my broken body off the rocks. My body finally matched my heart. I hung limply in the arms of whatever was carrying me to shore. "Stay with me Bella. Don't you dare give up."

The darkness was closing in on me slowly. The voice started off commanding but then began pleading with me to fight. But I didn't want to fight. There was nothing to fight for. My heart stuttered and I knew the end was near. Emmie was there beside me.

"Emmie, Mommy's coming." I smiled at my beautiful little girl.

"Bella, don't you dare leave me!" Jacob's angry voice cut through my consciousness.

I felt my face frown. I didn't understand why Jacob would be so upset. I would be with our daughter. He had moved on and our marriage, we both agreed, was over. Emmie walked farther away. I wanted to follow her but something was holding me back. My heart stuttered again and I stopped breathing for a minute or a second I couldn't tell. Something hit me and I took a very shallow breath. I could hear people talking around me but I couldn't make out the words. My body started to feel weightless and Emmie was within my reach again. I smiled at her. "Emmie" I barely whispered.

I breathed a final shallow sigh of relief, I let my eyes close as I felt the final pull of death. I was ready. Then something sharp pierced the skin of my neck and instead of drifting away with my daughter I was hot, so hot. Slowly the fire spread until I thought I was going to melt away. I screamed and begged for someone to make it stop. To let me die so I could be with my daughter.


	15. Chapter 15 - Permission

**Edward's Point of View**

When I left Bella's house the night of her graduation I couldn't bare to be too far from her. Especially not after what Alice had shared with me. I drove up to Seattle, rented a small apartment and waited. When Alice called me to tell me about Victoria I was already on my way to Forks. I had heard thoughts amongst some unsuspecting and now dead newbie vampires that crossed my path about Victoria and her latest plan to get to Bella. Even with leaving when I did I was still almost too late. Sam gave Alice, Jasper and I permission enter their lands to help find Bella and to kill Victoria once and for all. I described the cliffs I saw in Alice's vision to Sam and he quickly led the way.

I took the path Sam said led towards the water's edge while the others headed towards the top of the cliffs. Alice's vision showed me that we would be too late to stop Victoria from pushing Bella over the edge but I might be able to get to Bella in time to keep her from hitting the rocks. I got to the water's edge just in time to see Bella hit the rocks. The sickening thud would have stopped my heart if it wasn't already still in my chest. I froze for a split second before I raced through the water. Her heartbeat was irregular but it was still beating. Her eyes were closed when I reached her. Her breathes were shallow as I leaned down to gingerly pick her up.

"Stay with me Bella. Don't you dare give up." I demanded several times as I carried her limp body towards the shore.

I laid her down on a soft piece of grass. "Bella, baby please stay with me." I pleaded with her. I could hear her heart stutter a couple of times and knew that I only had a few minutes. Treaty or no treaty I couldn't let her die. She had asked me so many times in the past to change her, but now would she feel the same? Would she be happy I changed her or had our time apart given her a different perspective I wondered. I wouldn't have the opportunity to ask. I would change her and deal with the consequences later.

I heard heavy animal feet running at me from the trees and then Jacob, the tall boy I recognized from Bella's graduation, was kneeling beside me looking down at Bella. His face was filled with the same agony I was feeling.

"I am asking for permission to change her. You can hear her heart, she won't last much longer."

"You want to turn her into a vampire?" He turned his eyes towards me.

"I will do it with or without permission but I can't lose her, not this way."

"I don't…" Jacob started but Bella smiled and started murmuring.

"Emmie, Mommy's coming." She kept talking but her voice was so low and at times cut out mid sentence, it was hard to make out exactly what she was saying. However, it was clear to both Jacob and I she was talking to their daughter as if she were here on the beach with us.

I felt Jacob start to shake beside me. "Bella, don't you dare leave me!" He yelled at her.

She instantly frowned. "Jacob." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Bella please fight, you are strong. We can get you to the hospital."

Bella's heart stuttered and she stopped breathing. Jacob starting doing CPR. She gasped in a shallow breath but I knew this was it.

"Jacob, she wont make it to any hospital and you know that. Her only chance is if I change her right now. I would like permission to do that. As I said earlier I will do it any way but for my family's sake I would rather not violate the treaty."

"You don't know what she has been like since Emmie died. She is completely broken mentally, I have never seen her this bad. She isn't the Bella you knew. She isn't even the Bella I fell in love with anymore. I'm not sure she can be saved even if you change her."

"Either way I am going to try. She can be mad at me but at least she will be here to be mad."

Jacob stared down at Bella and I could see him fighting an inner battle. From the sound of her heart and the rasp of her breathing I could tell time was up.

"Jacob…" I started before Bella interrupted.

"Emmie." Bella smiled again.

"Do it, do it now! I am giving you permission. As rightful Alpha it is my decision and I am giving you permission to change Bella."

I didn't need to be told twice. I leaned over as I heard Bella breath in one last breath and softly kissed a spot on her neck before I felt the venom pool in my mouth as I bit into her skin. Sam and several other very large males ran towards the beach. Sam started to protest when he saw the bite mark on Bella's neck but Jacob quickly held up his hand and told him he had given permission. Alice and Jasper pulled up in my Volvo and I lifted Bella easily into my arms, carrying her to the car. We brought her back to our old Forks home to wait out her transition.

Her screams and pleas for death, so that she could be with her daughter, stabbed at my heart. Her transition took two agonizing days. I held her hand and stayed by her side until Alice told me Bella was about to wake up. Alice had seen that it would be better if she greeted Bella alone, I quietly left the room to wait impatiently for my time with Bella.


	16. Chapter 16 - Forever changed

The fire went on burning until slowly it started fading away. First from my toes and fingers then my arms and legs. As the fire started to slowly extinguish I was able to pick up bits of conversation. Nothing made sense to me. "As rightful chief he gave his permission…" "They told him she died…" "What if she is too broken like he said?"

When the last of the fire burned away inside my heart, I felt a heavy thud as it beat its final time. I slowly opened my eyes and cautiously took in my surroundings. I didn't recognize where I was. I was laying on some sort of hospital bed in a room that looked like an office more than a hospital room.

"Bella?"

In the millisecond it took me to freak out at the sound of another voice I launched myself off the bed and stood facing the direction the voice had come from. I was prepared to defend myself from whatever danger I found. Standing several feet away from me was Alice. She was watching me curiously. Then she smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. I had missed her so much. I took a step towards her. "Alice." I whispered unsure of my voice. She stepped towards me and held out her arms. I launched myself into her and wrapped my arms tightly around her.

"It's okay Bella. You are safe. I wont let anyone hurt you again."

"What happened? Where am I? The last thing I remember was Victoria and then falling."

"We got there too late to stop her from pushing you. I saw you just as you hit the rocks and we got you onto the beach right after. Your injuries were not survivable for a human." She paused to wait for me to come to the right conclusion.

"I'm like you now?"

"Yes. It was the only way we could save you."

"But the treaty with the wolves. You will be in danger now because of this."

"Jacob Black gave… us permission to help you. In fact he pretty much demanded."

I looked at her in astonishment. "Why would he do that? After everything it would be so much easier if he had just let me go."

"He cares about you Bella. I know what you and he have been through and you may not believe it right now but he cares a great deal about you."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter now any ways. He needs to go on with his life and forget about me. Im too broken to be good for anyone."

"Bella, there is someone who would like to talk with you. He wont force himself on you but he would really like to speak with you."

"Who is it?"

"Edward."

I stood deathly still for a moment. He was here somewhere in this house. How much did he know. How did he feel now that I was a vampire too? He always denied me when I asked him to turn me.

As if she could read my thoughts Alice began answering some of my questions. "Edward knows everything and he was the one who turned you Bella. He was the one that got Jacob's permission to do it. He pulled you off the rocks, I was on top of the cliff helping the wolves finally kill Victoria."

I stared at her in shock.

"Can he come in?"

I turned away from her and faced the window. I looked out at the forest. I nodded my head slowly. I heard her heels clicking on the floor and the door being opened. Her foot steps faded as another pair of foot steps came into the room and stood behind me.

I kept my back to him as he started to speak. He kept apologizing for leaving me. When he explained how he had lied about not wanting me anymore because he felt he was protecting me. I turned to face him, my red eyes flashing dangerously.

"You. broke. me! You ripped my heart apart so badly it wouldn't heal. There was never any chance of me moving on with Jacob or anyone! I tried so hard to let you go. I fought through the nightmares and the panic attacks. I nearly ripped myself apart trying so hard to love Jacob, to be what he needed me to be, to not think of you when I made love with him. And for what? For a lie you told in some stupid attempt to protect me? "

His head hung down in guilt. "If I had known. If I hadn't been so focused on protecting you from what I thought were the real dangers I would have seen what my leaving would do to you."

"How could you not know the devastation you would leave behind? You knew how I felt about you. I loved you so much that I begged you time and again to change me so we would never be separated. It wasn't some teenage crush, Edward." I flinched at the sound of his name coming from my lips.

"Bella I never doubted that you loved me. But I thought with time you would move on and have a happy life safe from me and any influence from vampires."

I growled at him. "I wish I could show you what you left behind. I have never healed, I did the best I could to move on. But obviously I failed miserably. Not only did you damage me because of how you left me but Charlie was hurt seeing me like that. And… Jacob. He was the one piece of happiness I had for so long. But even he wasn't enough and I ended up hurting him. He gave me everything and I just couldn't let go of you. I couldn't let him behind the wall I had built around that part of my heart. Then we had our daughter and you would think that would be enough to heal me and make me happy. But of course it wasn't. I am ashamed to say how much I used to wish she was yours. And now here you stand telling me it was all a lie to protect me and you're sorry. Are you expecting me to just run into your arms and everything will go back to how it was?"

"I will spend the rest of eternity trying to make up for what I did Bella. I don't expect you to forgive me that easily. I have had glimpses of how you were. And I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I did."

"You were at my graduation weren't you? I didn't just imagine it?"

"Yes I was there. I was also at the graduation party afterwards and I followed you home."

"Do you come in to my room that night?"

He nodded "I waited until you were asleep and then I climbed in the window. I watched you leave the party with Angela and I wanted to see why you were so upset. You had your arms wrapped around your chest much like they are now and then I listened as you cried yourself to sleep. I saw your journal…"

"You read my journal?"

Frowning Edward nodded. "Yes."

My body started to shake all over. It reminded me of Jacob when he first started transforming into a wolf. "You read it and knew what I was going through and chose to walk away again?"

"I thought Jacob would make you happy. As far as I knew he was a safe human and could give you everything I couldn't. Your last entry even said you were going to move on and let your self love him. I couldn't take that possibility away from you. It killed me to leave you that night. "

"Jacob and I never stood a chance because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't let you go. No matter how hard he begged me to. I could see how much I was hurting him but I couldn't stop wishing for you."

Edward took a step towards me and my hands balled into fists. "I am here now Bella. I wont ever leave your side again." He tried to come closer but I was instantly on the other side of the room.

"Stop!" I ran through the open door and instantly recognized where I was. It was the Cullen's house just outside of Forks. I took off out of the house with no real idea where I was going. I let instinct take over and guide my feet. When I finally stopped I was on top of the cliff staring down at the rocks that should have taken my life.


	17. Chapter 17 - Goodbye Charlie

"Bella?"

Jacob walked up behind me cautiously. I kept my back to him as I stared down at the jagged rocks.

I spoke quietly. "I was ready to die. I welcomed it. When Victoria pushed me over the edge I reveled in the feeling of release. All the hurt and pain fell away for just a moment and I could breath again. I could almost feel Emmie in my arms. And I knew that as soon as I took my last breath I would be with her again. You would be free of the burden of guilt and Charlie wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. I was ready."

"You wanted to die?" Jacob's voice trembled.

I nodded silently.

"Did Victoria really push you Bella? Or did you jump?"

"She pushed me." I turned and looked at him in confusion.

"What? It's not like you haven't tried it before."

I heard a sharp intake of breathe from behind Jacob. Edward was standing there looking at me with an expression so filled with pain and guilt I had to look away.

"She jumped off a cliff?"

"Not just any cliff, this exact one. She jumped off the other side where there are fewer rocks. She did a lot of things back then because of you." Jacob spat at Edward.

I watched as his face scrunched up as he stared angrily at Edward. I heard Edward moan in pain.

"Jacob what are you doing to him?"

"I am showing him what he left behind."

I watched Edward's face contort in pain and his body bent over from the weight of it all. My heart throbbed agonizingly at the pain he was experiencing through Jacob's memories of me.

And then I could see it all too. I saw the day in the forest when he told me I wasn't good enough and he didn't want me. I remembered the months of constant nightmares and Charlie trying to coax me out of extreme depression. I saw myself when I came to Jacob's for the first time. I was pale and so thin. My arms never unwrapping from around my chest. I saw myself jumping off the cliff. I saw it all. My body started trembling and my legs gave out. I fell to the ground my hands gripping the grass and dirt underneath them. I closed my eyes trying to stop the memories but it was no use.

"Jake…" I whimpered quietly. He turned his attention from Edward and was instantly by my side. He had seen enough of my panic attacks to recognize the signs. He had always been the only one who could get me through them.

"Deep breaths Bella. Open your eyes and look at me, that's right. See I am right here with you." He put my hand over his heart. I concentrated on his steady heartbeat. The rest of the world disappeared and it was just Jacob and I. I felt a wave of calm slowly wash over me. I moved my hand away from Jacob's chest and stood up. When I pulled my eyes away from Jacob's I saw we weren't alone. Edward was still there but now Alice and Jasper were standing beside him. I stared at Jasper for a minute. He had a strange expression I couldn't interpret. Alice was holding his hand tightly. Edward kept looking at Jasper out of the corner of his eye.

"Bells, I brought you some stuff I thought you might want." Jacob handed me my old duffle bag.

Curiously I took it and looked inside. There were a few pictures of Charlie, Emma and I, some of my books, Emmie's stuffed wolf and her baby blanket. My hand closed tightly around the blanket and I closed my eyes against the tears I would never be able to shed again. I felt another wave of calm wash her me. "Thank you, Jacob."

"You're welcome Bells."

"Watch over Charlie for me."

"You know I will."

I gave him a small smile. "Goodbye Jacob…" I started to walk away but he reached out and grabbed my arm. I looked up at him.

"Bella… I don't regret a moment of our life together. I need you to know that. I know you think you broke me, like he broke you. But I knew what I was getting when we started dating. I wasn't some dumb kid. I loved you and I still do. That wont ever change. I think I understand your feelings for him now though. Im not sure what the vampire equivalent to imprinting is called but whatever they call it, thats the bond you share with him. I never understood that until now, watching him feel your pain as intensely as you feel it and then watching you collapse knowing the pain he was feeling from the memories I was showing him.

For werewolves imprinting is a complete bonding. And to try and separate the two who have imprinted would be devastating to both people. It's not something that can be healed and neither person would be able to truly move on. As much as it pisses me off to say this… Try to forgive him Bella. You will be happier if you do." He pulled me into a hug. "I will miss you Bells." he whispered in my ear before releasing me.

I gently caressed the side of his face. "Be happy Jake." With a sigh I turned and walked away. Alice took my arm and I leaned on her. Jasper walked beside Alice and Edward walked slowly behind us. I could feel a constant wave of calm floating around me. I looked at Jasper out of the corner of my eye. He still had the same strange expression on his face that I saw on the cliff.

"Are you ready to leave Forks?" Alice asked me cautiously.

"I need to make one more stop."

"We need to take you hunting first."

I nodded.

"Do you want us all to take you hunting?"

Without looking at the others. "Can it just be you and I?"

"Sure! Edward and Jasper can take your bag back to the house and get ready for our trip."

Jasper offered to take my bag and I handed it over to him. Edward kept his distance from me. Then Alice and I took off running into the forest. She gave me a quick hunting lesson, although she said most of our hunting is instinctual. I managed to take down a couple of deer and to my surprise a rather large mountain lion. He tasted better and filled me more than the deer. As we walked back to the Cullen house I asked Alice about Jasper's expression back on the cliff. She hesitated for a minute before responding.

"You know that Jasper can control the emotions of people around him. But did you ever think how he is affected by the emotions he feels coming from them?"

"I never thought about that actually."

"He can sense what people are feeling which is how he knows how to calm them. The emotions that were coming from you were almost more than he could handle. He hadn't felt anything that all consuming in is entire life. It took all his effort to create the calm for you. He doesn't know how you have coped so long with all those feelings."

"I haven't coped. That was always part of the problem."

"But you tried. That is more than a lot of people are able to do."

"I had to, first for Charlie, then Jacob and then for Emmie. It got a little easier after she was born. But after she was gone there was just nothing left. I couldn't see an end to the pain."

"I am so sorry Bella. I was on my way to you when I saw Victoria's plan and knew you wouldn't put up a fight. I called Edward and we got there as fast as we could."

"Will I ever be happy again Alice?"

She stared off into the distance. I recognized the look she always got when she was looking into the future. I waited quietly while she looked into mine.

"Yes. You need time to heal and this time you will heal. You will always miss your daughter but you will be happy again. I promise."

"Thanks Alice."

She hugged me quickly and then we stepped out of the trees into the clearing around the Cullen house. Jasper and Edward were waiting by the car for us.

By the time I got to Charlie's house it was late at night and he was asleep. I stood by his bedside and watched him sleep for a while. His eyes were puffy and red, he had been crying. Jacob would have already told him I was gone. I felt a pang of regret and sadness. I would miss Charlie the most out of the people that were left. I hoped with my whole heart that he would be able to pick up the pieces and go on. Maybe find a nice woman to spend the rest of his life with.

"I love you dad." I whispered and then quietly slipped out of the house and into the backseat of Edward's car beside Alice.

I watched until the house disappeared and then I laid my head on Alice's shoulder and stayed silent for the rest of the car ride.


	18. Chapter 18 - A new family

Alice spoke to me quietly as Edward drove. She told me about what the family had been up to over the past couple of years. She told me that we were heading to Chicago where the rest of the family was anxiously waiting for us. She told me about an old house she and Esme had been renovating. Jasper had been taking courses in architecture at the local college. Emmett and Rosalie had been traveling the world but recently came back home and Rosalie started taking interior decorating courses at the community college. Emmett had become interested in Ancient Egyptian history during His and Rosalie's travels so he spent a lot of time doing research.

I was content listening to stories of my new family. Alice and Jasper had gotten documents made for me. I was now Bella Cullen. I would be known as Esme's orphaned niece who she and Carlisle had adopted and raised after my parents died.

"Bella, Esme is very anxious to see you. Do you remember her story of how she became a vampire?"

I nodded silently. Like me, Esme had lost her only child. She had been so distraught that she tried to end her life. Truthfully, I was just as anxious to see Esme. She was the only one of the Cullens who could truly understand my pain. I felt a small glimmer of hope when I thought of Esme. She had been able to build a happy life with Carlisle. So maybe I would be able to build a new life for myself where I could be happy again like Alice said she saw in my future.

When Edward finally pulled up in front of a beautiful large house that was surrounded by acres of wooded area I was ready to get out of the car and stretch. Carlisle and Esme walked out the front door and stood on the large front porch waiting for us. I stood shyly by the car watching while the Cullens greeted each other. Esme walked towards me. "Bella…"

I ran into her arms and let her motherly comfort envelope me. If I were still capable, I would have wept in her arms. My body shook with emotion.

"I know sweetheart. I know."

She held me tight as I clung to her. I didn't need to be strong for her. I could let myself feel all the pain and grief I had tried to hold back in front of Jacob at the funeral. After several minutes I felt strong arms lift me off the ground. I tried to fight against the arms as my hands clung onto Esme like my life depended on it.

"It's okay Bella. Let's get you inside and then I will give you back to Esme. I promise. " Edward's voice and familiar scent calmed me slightly. I let go of Esme and allowed Edward to bring me into the house. Esme followed. Edward carried me up a flight of stairs and into what I guessed was Esme's personal office. He gently sat me down on a comfy sofa that faced a huge wall of windows. He reluctantly turned and left Esme and I alone. Esme sat down beside me and I laid my head in her lap. She caressed my hair and told me about her daughter. There was pride and pain in her voice when she talked about her child. I kept silent while she talked. When she finished I started telling her about Emmie. She continued stroking my hair as I talked. I told her every last detail up to the funeral. I told her how I had put aside my pain and tried to be strong for Jacob. He had lost her too and I felt so selfish for not being there for him until that moment.

I felt mentally exhausted when I finally finished. Esme seemed to sense my exhaustion and we just sat quietly for a long while. When I moved to sit up Esme took my hands in hers.

"Bella, you will never forget Emmie. There will always be a part of you that aches for her but It will get better over time. I won't lie and say I don't have my bad times but Carlisle is always there to help me get through them. Eventually, the good times will far outnumber the bad and you shouldn't feel guilty when that time comes. It's okay to be happy."

"It's so hard to see beyond the pain right now."

"I know sweetheart. You need to mourn, it has only been a few days. We are all here for you Bella. Whatever you need, we are prepared to help in anyway you need."

"Thank you, Esme."

She hugged me tightly. "Are you ready to see your room?"

"I have a room?"

Esme smiled and nodded. "Alice saw you would be joining us. So Alice, Rosalie and I all worked together to get your room ready."

"You guys didn't have to do that."

"You are part of our family now Bella."

I smiled shyly. "Okay, Im ready to see my room."

Esme took my hand and led me out of her office and up to the third floor of the house. There were only two rooms on this floor. At the landing she led me towards the door on the left and let me walk in front of her. I opened the door and walked slowly into my new room. There was a wall of windows like Esme's. The view was breathtaking, I could see a stream in the distance and miles and miles of forest. I turned to look at the rest of the room. There was a large comfortable looking lounging sofa and floor to ceiling bookcases already filled with books. I ran my hands over some of the books and saw some of my favorite titles. I smiled softly.

The walls were painted in a cream color. Decorative pieces in soft purples and blues were scattered around the room. There was a huge walk in closet that connected to my own bathroom. "Esme, it's perfect." She smiled at me.

"I am so glad you like it. We weren't sure on the colors but Alice assured us you would like what we choose. And… Edward helped stock the bookshelves."

I had suspected as much. He knew my literary tastes better than anyone else. I saw my bag sitting on a table just inside my door. I walked over to the bag and opened it up. I pulled Emmie's blanket and stuffed wolf out placing them on the sofa. I went back to the bag and pulled out the pictures Jacob had packed and handed them to Esme.

"Oh Bella, she is beautiful. She looks so much like you."

I smiled softly.

"How did you choose her name?"

I looked down at my hands. "Emma was her first name but I called her Emmie, It was as close as I could get to Esme and Emmett without Jacob suspecting and her middle name, Allison, was after Alice. It was my way of trying to share the joy of her with you all."

Esme hugged me. "Would you like a tour of the rest of the house now?"

"Maybe later? If it's okay, I would like a few minutes alone."

"Sure. Anything you need Bella. When you are ready come down and join us."

I smiled softly. Esme quietly closed my door leaving me alone with my thoughts. I curled up on the sofa holding Emmie's blanket to my chest. I watched as the sun rose high in the sky and the leafs rustled in the wind. I let myself get lost in my own thoughts for a while.


	19. Chapter 19 - Beginning to heal

When the sun started to set I got up off my sofa and draped Emmie's blanket over the side. I followed the sound of my new families voices. When I slowly entered the large living room they all turned and looked at me. I suddenly felt very self conscious. Jasper sensed my discomfort and I felt a wave of ease hit me. I smiled softly at him. He nodded and turned back to the chess game he was playing with Rosalie.

Carlisle stepped forward and embraced me. "Welcome home Bella."

"Thanks Carlisle." I smiled at him. He went back to reading his book. As I watched him I felt a pang of sadness. I missed Charlie. I wished I could call him and tell him I was alive and okay. But I wouldn't be able to explain the changes in my appearance. It was better for him this way. He would mourn the unfortunate death of his daughter and go on with his human life. I wondered what Jacob had told him about how I died. How would he have explained the absence of a body?

I was suddenly picked up and twirled around. "Bella! I have missed you!"

I shocked myself when a giggle escaped from between my lips. I hadn't heard that sound in a really long time. I hugged Emmett tightly. He sat me down and I made my way over to Alice who had a pile of fashion magazines at her feet. She smiled without looking up from the magazine she was reading and handed me one from the pile. I flipped through it pretending to be interested but I was really using my new vampire senses to try and find the one vampire I both craved and dreaded seeing.

"He went out to hunt a little while ago. He is trying to give you space."

I nodded surprised by the feelings of disappointment. I had wanted space from him hadn't I? I sighed causing Jasper to look up. I shrugged. Alice took the magazine from me.

"How about I show you around the house so you don't get lost trying to find one of us."

I let her lead me through the house. She showed me her and Jasper's room, Carlisle and Esme's, Emmett and Rosalie's. The third floor of course contains my bedroom and Alice informed me that the other room was Edward's.

As the first day turned into night. Emmett and Rosalie headed out to hunt, they had invited me but I politely declined. I was not comfortable with Rosalie yet. Jasper and Alice had become engrossed in the most intense game of chess I had ever seen. Carlisle and Esme retreated to their bedroom for private time. I went up to my room and pulled Treasure Island from the book shelf and curled up on my sofa. I heard Edward moving around his room and the soft sounds of music from his stereo. I tried to concentrate on my book but finally gave up. I closed it and carried it with me as I walked across the hallway and stood in front of Edward's door for a minute. I knocked lightly.

"Come in."

I slowly opened the door and stepped inside. He watched me, waiting for me to speak first. I looked down at my hands.

"I.. I just don't want to be alone right now. Can I come in here and read?"

"Of course Bella." he was sitting on a chair with a book in his hands. I looked around and found a sofa nearer the door. I softly closed the door behind me and took my place on the sofa. He went back to his reading and I opened my book. I was acutely aware of every move he made but he stayed on his side of the room and gave me space. I found his company calming.

This became our regular routine over the next several months. He gave me space during the day and at night we sat quietly together in his room. Some nights I stayed in my room and curled up with Emmie's blanket and watched the night sky. These were usually preceded by a bad day emotionally. Esme was always very comforting but when I had one of my panic attacks only Edward could reach me. If I had a particularly bad one Jasper had to step in and help Edward. Afterwards, I withdrew and spent time on my own.

On the good days I spent the majority of my time with Alice, Esme or Emmett. I helped Alice and Esme with renovations on the house they were working on. Much to Edward's frustration, I found myself seeking out Emmett more frequently. Emmett had made it his personal mission to bring back the laughter to my life. It was hard not to laugh at Emmett's antics. I also appreciated that he didn't treat me like a fragile creature. As time passed I felt the smaller less damaged cracks in my heart start to stitch back together.

After having one of the worst panic attacks since I arrived at the Cullen's house I laid curled up on my sofa gazing out at the night sky. I loved laying in the dark staring out at the stars, I found it calming. For a while I listened to Edward moving around in his room. I felt a sudden need to be near him, so I quietly got up and walked the short distance to his door. I knocked softly.

"Come in Bella."

He looked up from what looked like a journal sitting open on his desk.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you."

"You didn't interrupt me. I was just finishing up." He closed the book and got up from his desk.

"I was stargazing and thought maybe you would like to join me?" I looked down at my hands.

"I would love to. Do you want to sit in here? Or should we go to your room. It has the better view."

"We can go to mine. If that's okay?"

"Sure, I will follow you."

I turned and headed back through his door. He followed me into my room and closed the door behind us. I took my usual spot on the sofa with Emmie's blanket wrapped around me. Edward took a seat on the floor in front of the sofa.

"Why did you save me?" My voice was barely above a whisper.

Edward kept staring out the window. "I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist Bella. I was almost too late to save you. Victoria had already pushed you over the edge and I arrived just in time to see you hit the rocks. I got to you as quick as I could and carried you up to the shore where Jacob found us. You were fading fast and I knew I didn't have much time. Plus there was the treaty and I knew if Jacob wouldn't give me permission to save you. I would die trying to save you any way. Jacob hesitated but then you started talking to your daughter as if she were right there with you. He and I both knew at that point you had minutes at most. He demanded I save you."

"What did he tell Charlie?"

"He told Charlie that you had come to talk to him that night you disappeared but you ended up fighting and you took off on foot. You followed a hiking trail Jacob had shown you a long time ago that led to the top of the cliffs on La Push beach and from what any of them could figure out you had lost your footing or tripped in the dark and accidentally fallen off the side. Your blood was still on the rocks from when you actually did fall and everyone figured your body must have been washed away. Only the members of the wolf pack know the truth because they were all there chasing Victoria."

"I miss Charlie." I sighed. "I hope he doesn't mourn me too long or blame Jacob for my death."

"I could take you to see him again if you want. Like you did that night."

I considered it for a moment and then shook my head. "I think it's better this way. It would hurt too much to leave him again."

"If you ever change your mind the offer is still open."

"Thanks."

Edward sat with me for the rest of the night. We didn't talk anymore but it felt nice to have his company.


	20. Chapter 20 - Where I'm meant to be

One night while I sat on Edwards sofa I found myself wanting to talk to him about my daughter. I closed my book and sat it down beside me. I stared out the window into the dark night.

"When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I had never wanted to be a mother and wasn't sure I would know how. But the minute I felt her first kick I was so desperately in love with the her. When Charlie and I saw her the first time on the sonogram I had never wanted anything more than I wanted her. The first time I held her was the most wonderful moment of my entire existence. Her tiny little hand firmly gripped my finger and I hoped that she would never let go."

Edward silently moved to sit beside me.

"That blissful moment was so short lived. She was sick from the start and there were so many surgeries and hospital stays. The last 6 months of her life she was at home with us. She was so happy and we worshipped her." I pulled her last picture out of my book and handed it to Edward.

"Bella she is so beautiful."

"The last night with her was the hardest. I wanted to hold her and never let go. If I had known that would be the last time I would hold her I would have held her longer. I would have told her I loved her one more time." I felt the panic seize my chest. My body started shaking, my hands clinched into fists and I tried to fight against it. Edward knelt in front of me. He took my hands and unclenched them.

"Bella, look at me. Open your eyes."

I obeyed and watched my pain mirror itself back to me in his eyes. "I am here with you Bella, you aren't alone. That's it, take a deep breath."

Slowly the panic faded and I let Edward hold me.

"I miss sleeping." I whispered softly.

"Sometimes it would be nice to be able to close my eyes and escape into dreams." He agreed.

"Yeah. I remember how safe and content I felt when I would fall asleep in your arms. It felt like nothing else mattered or existed. It was just you and me sharing our thoughts and dreams."

"Can I try something?" Edward asked softly.

"Ok." He pulled me towards him and stretched us out on the sofa. I laid by his side with my head rested on his chest. His arms wrapped around me.

"Close your eyes and clear your mind."

I closed my eyes and relaxed instinctively in his arms. It was surprisingly easy to shut my mind off for a few moments. I would never sleep but this was almost as good.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" He sounded just as relaxed as I felt.

"You really never stopped loving me?"

"Not for a single second."

"It was so easy for you to walk away."

"Bella it nearly killed me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done."

"Didn't you ever think of coming back before that night of my graduation?"

"I started back to Forks many times. But then I would remember you broken and bloody after James attacked you or the cut on your arm from the night of your birthday. Bella I really did think I was doing what was best to protect you from me. But I see now that in me trying to protect you I hurt you in the worst way possible. I hope that someday you can forgive me."

"I have already forgiven you." I sighed softly.

"What?"

"I think I was ready to forgive you the first night I came in here to read with you. I just needed to work through all the other emotions. Everything got so twisted and confusing. I couldn't tell what I felt about anything. But now laying here with you like this I can finally see everything clearly and file it all into the appropriate areas. When I am with you everything feels right. I feel right for the first time in years. I still have so much grief but when I am with you I feel hopeful that Alice's vision of my future will actually come true."

I pushed away from him slightly and softly brought my lips to his. He was hesitant at first but the instant my lips touched his a fire that I thought was forever extinguished burned like wildfire inside me. My fingers buried themselves in his hair and I pulled him even closer to me. His responding growl spurred me on and I moved on top of him. My legs straddling him as our lips moved together. His hands ran down my back and snaked their way under my shirt. At the touch of his hands on my stomach my mouth opened in a soft gasp and he slipped his tongue into my mouth teasing my tongue. I moaned softly and he growled again flipping us over so that he was on top. He lifted my shirt up and over my head. My back arched towards him as he trailed kisses down my neck and shoulder.

Afterwards I lay satisfied in Edwards arms.

"That was better than I ever fantasized it would be."

Edward chuckled. "Did you fantasize about it a lot?"

"More than I should admit to probably."

"Something else we have in common."

I grinned against his chest. "Do you think Esme and Alice would mind if I added something to my room?"

"It's your room Bella. You are free to do what you want with it. What are you thinking of adding?"

"I think I want a bed. I know we don't sleep but it would be easier to snuggle like this in a bed."

Edward kissed the top of my head. "I like how you think. I think we should get dressed now."

I groaned causing Edward to laugh. "Alice is on her way up to show you some beds that you might like."

I jumped up and had my clothes on just as Alice knocked on the door. It didn't take long to find the bed I wanted. A king sized bed with a heavy wood canopy. Alice wanted to take care of the canopy covering and I was all to happy to let her. Edward took me out hunting after that and on our way back he was unusually quiet.

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

"I have something I want to ask you but Im not sure how you will react."

I stopped walking and stood in front of him. "What is it?"

He looked at me for a moment and then seemingly worked up enough courage.

"Bella, I don't ever want to be separated from you again. You are my life and I want to tie my life to yours in every way humanly possible. Would you do me the honor of agreeing to marry me?"

I stood speechless in front of him. Marriage. I had failed at that so miserable with Jacob. Could I be a better wife to Edward? Did I want to get married again? While I contemplated his question Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He opened it and placed it in my hand. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

"I know your first marriage wasn't the most happy but I think that had more to do with who you were married to rather than your ability to be a wife. You were never meant to be married to him and he was never meant to be married to you. You were always meant for me and he was always meant for someone else, which means that relationship was doomed to fail before it even started."

I watched as he slipped the ring on my ring finger. I held up my hand and watched as the sun reflected off the diamonds. I had been a part of the Cullen family for almost a year. During that time Edward had given me whatever I needed with no argument. If I needed space he willingly complied. When I needed a friend or just someone to sit with he was there. We had both grown as people during our time apart but our love for each other had never diminished. He was who I wanted to share the rest of my existence with. "Yes, Edward. Yes."

He smiled broadly and lifted me up into his arms. When we got back to the house Alice already had a stack of bridal magazines waiting for me. She whisked me away from Edward and thrust pictures of dresses in front of me. Unlike my first wedding I wanted to make this one more traditional. I had dreamt about what a wedding with Edward would be like.

"Alice, these dresses are really beautiful but I was hoping for something more… old fashioned?"

"Something from the early 1900's perhaps?"

I grinned. "Yes. I always dreamed that if Edward and I got married it would look like a wedding out of a different time period. His time period."

Alice pulled out a book of dress designs from different eras. I knew the minute I had found my dress. It was a perfect mix of cream colored satin and lace with delicate bead work. The dress fit snug to the waist and then flowed loosely, with multiple layers of satin stopping at different lengths, to the ground with a short train in the back. The bodice was fitted with an open lace overlay. The back of the bodice sat just under the bottom of the shoulder blades. The dress was simple and elegant.

Alice enlisted Esme's help to get my measurements and then went about ordering the dress from the designer. We picked flowers, a cake which was for the non vampire guests that Carlisle and Esme wanted to invite. When Alice started talking about location Edward suddenly appeared.

"Come take a drive with me?" Edward held out his hand. I placed my hand in his and he led me out to his Volvo. He drove us through the city and then we passed into a rural area like the one where the Cullen's house was located. We pulled into an overgrown driveway that wound around several large trees. And then we pulled up in front of a well maintained Edwardian looking manor house. The lands around the house were very nicely groomed. Edward turned off the volvo and appeared at my door instantly. He helped me out and walked me around the grounds before leading me up the steps to the house. He pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. When I step inside I felt like I had gone back in time. He let me wander from room to room on the first floor quietly.

When I had finished with the first floor he led me up the stairs to the 2nd floor. We passed several doors before he finally opened the door at the end of the hall. I stepped in and looked around for a minute. It looked like the room of a child, no, a teenager, of the time. There was a desk and a book shelf with some of my favorite books. On another shelf there were model planes. A twin sized bed sat in the far corner by a window. I turned towards Edward who was watching me thoughtfully.

"Edward what is this place?"

"This was my family home."

My hand caressed the desk in front of me. "This was your room." I whispered. I walked around the room touching the books he had read as a teenager and inspecting the model planes he must have played with as a child. He walked silently to the book shelf and pulled out one of the dusty books and handed it to me. There was no title. Curiously I opened the book and found pages and pages of neat writing that I instantly recognized as Edward's. I looked up at Edward. "Is this your journal?"

"Yes, my very last one. Turn to the last page." I carefully flipped to the last page.

It was the last entry he ever wrote. He must have gotten sick after this and then of course Carlisle had turned him.

 _Mother introduced me to another of her friend's daughters today. Like all the rest she held no interest to me. She wasn't well read and didn't know any of the more influential authors of our time. I could have had a more interesting conversation with the neighbors yorkie. Maybe after I return from the war I will search more diligently for a wife. She will have to like to read and have a love of music. I also prefer brown hair to any other color. Most of all she would need to care about others more than herself. Most of the girls mother introduces me to, are so self absorbed. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with them._

 _When I do get married I want it to be here at our house. Father let one of our neighbors hold his daughter's wedding on our property and it was a wonderful sight. Now that father is gone it would mean even more for me to have my wedding here. I can still feel fathers spirit here and I know he would watch over the ceremony if it were here. It would feel like he was still here with us._

My fingers traced the words on the page.

"It would mean so much to me if you would agree to have the wedding here."

I looked up from the journal and into his pleading eyes. I could no more deny him this request than I could cut off my own hand. "Edward, I cannot think of a more appropriate place for our wedding than your family home."

His grin took my breath away. He took the journal from my hands and set it on the desk. His lips crashed into mine and we soon lost ourselves in each other.

We lay naked together on the small twin bed. I couldn't help but giggle.

"Whats so funny?"

"Edward, we just made love in your childhood bedroom. I hope your parents don't come in and catch us." I teased him.

"Mother would be pretty disappointed and she would think you were a terrible influence on her innocent angel of a son."

"You innocent? That's funny, you just proved you are far from innocent. Taking me to your bed before we are wed. Whatever will everyone think of you?"

"Well then I guess I should marry you before the gossip starts."

"Well I don't know. I kind of like being a little naughty and sneaking around with the threat of being caught always hanging over our head. It's exhilarating. Maybe we should hold off on the wedding a little longer." I grinned up at him mischievously.

Edward quickly flipped us so he was hovering over me. I felt his desire pressed against my entrance. His eyes smoldered at me. "I swear I wont touch you again, except for a chaste kiss if you postpone the wedding." He lightly kissed my cheek and I felt the pressure of him just outside my wet center. He smiled knowingly at me.

"Now that I think about it. I think we should get married as soon as possible. I cannot bare for you to withhold your affections from me." I gasped as he quickly plunged himself into me again. "Oh yes, we should marry immediately." I murmured between his thrusts. I clung to him as we climaxed together. "Edward, I love you."

"I love you my beautiful bride."

Alice, of course, had already seen our wedding location in a vision and had gone full steam ahead with wedding planning.

Our wedding was a true family affair. Emmett had gone online to become ordained and performed the ceremony. Alice was my maid of honor, Rosalie played the music during the ceremony, Jasper was Edward's best man and Carlisle walked me down the aisle in place of Charlie.

I knew that I still had rough days ahead of me but the moment Emmett pronounced Edward and I husband and wife I felt comforted in the knowledge that I would never have to face the rough times alone. Edward would always be by my side and Alice's vision of my future was well on it's way to becoming reality.


End file.
